We just finished our winter quarter for the Servant Partners internship. Which, crazy enough, means that we have just over a year left of the internship! After each quarter we are encouraged to write a reflection of our experiences. I'm sorry if my reflection sounds that a random rambling of information! But I hope it gives you some insight into my experiences here in L.A. Cheers!
_________________________________________________
At the beginning of this quarter, change was in the air. First, I had a couple of very disappointing developments on the job front, culminating in a rejection from a job that I was really excited about. But within just a couple of days after the rejection, I was offered the opportunity to teach the first and second grade class at Adventures Ahead. The idea of taking the job made me nervous since I didn’t really have much teaching experience. But I felt the Lord’s invitation to trust him and jump in with a posture of learning and growing. Speaking of growing, the weekend following my first week of teaching at Adventures Ahead, I gave my first sermon! Knowing that public speaking is one of my least favorite things in the world, the prospect of giving a sermon felt scary and daunting, even if just to our SP class. But the Lord was so faithful throughout the process. He gave me a topic that I was excited about (the promise for the restoration of his people), he gave me relevant words, and he gave me confidence to speak. While there are plenty of ways that I could improve for the next time I give a sermon, I felt overwhelmed by the ways in which the Lord delivered me through the challenge.
The weekend following my sermon, we went on our first prayer retreat as a class. It was a great time to unplug from the many distractions of life and slow down to be with the Lord. I went into the weekend overwhelmed with anxiety over jobs and money. I wasn’t sure how/what God was going to provide to pair well with my part time commitment at Adventures Ahead and I was beginning to feel the anxiety of monetary provision throughout the next quarter. The Lord was very gracious to me over the weekend in helping me to slow down, calming my mind and speaking encouragement into my situation. After checking my email on Saturday evening, I was overjoyed to learn that I had been offered a part time position at a local coffee shop! It felt like a great compliment to my teaching job and an incredible gift and provision from the Lord. The prayer retreat proved to be an awesome time of fellowship with my team, receiving God’s affirmation as his beloved daughter, coming alongside teammates at the initiation of God’s healing work, and learning to take on a posture of praise and tap into the incredible power of the Holy Spirit in my life.
Just about a week after returning from the prayer retreat and starting my job at the coffee shop, our ministry projects began. I had mixed feelings about being placed with the Friday night cell group kids. First, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around kids any more than I was already experiencing through Adventures Ahead, and second, if I was going to be around kids, I would have preferred to be with the Spanish service. Despite my reservations, I have been blessed by my involvement with the Friday night group. The kids are really fun, even though I still feel I have so much to learn in regards to loving, connecting with, and disciplining kids. I have been especially excited about getting to know some of the women in the study. At first, I wasn’t really interested in participating in the women’s study, since I didn’t feel like I had the energy to commit to another community, but my sentiments quickly changed once I got to know the lovely women in the group.
Suddenly, looking around, I found it surprising and overwhelming to realize that my life and ministry was being overwhelmed by children! There were all of the students at Adventures Ahead, the dozen or so kids from Friday night cell group, the few kids at Redeemer Fun Zone, and our neighbor kids. I was tempted to panic at the realization. What do I know about kids!? But I continue to be encouraged by God’s love and affirmation for the little children. I feel unqualified, overwhelmed, but honored to work with so many kids! And I feel so excited to learn and grow in my skills and faith through this experience.
At this point, while I feel humbled by God’s grace and provision through my two different jobs, I am also starting to feel very exhausted. Both of my jobs require a huge amount of extrovert energy, of which I have limited amounts. After battling through 2 demanding jobs, I arrive at our SP meetings feeling tired and unable to engage well with my teammates. As the end of the Adventures Ahead semester quickly approaches, I feel the pressure to re-enter the job search. At this point in the internship, it would be a great gift to have one well-paying, steady, full-time, low-key job. I’m looking toward this upcoming job search with anxiety and a lack of motivation. But the Lord has already proved so faithful and able to provide for all of my needs. How quickly I tend to forget his tender care and perfect gifts. I pray that the Lord will give me direction and a good attitude as I embark on this new search.
Under the pressure and fatigue of this current season, several different issues have risen to the surface. I continue to learn how attached I am to security and “my” money. I have a very individualistic view of finances and hate feeling like I have mismanaged my money or cannot sufficiently provide for my needs. And, in a similar vein, I have realized my love of control. I am a hard-core planner. I love mapping out my life – at least the near future – with as much precision as possible. Knowing what to expect and when to expect what relieves a great deal of anxiety and stress for me. I can trace back intense feelings of anxiety all the way to elementary school. I would get butterflies every day before school, wondering what the day might hold for me. Over the last several years, I have seen a huge improvement in my desire to take control of all aspects of my life, but this intense season has shown me that I am still in need of healing in this area. And finally, the theme of community has seemed to come up over and over again this past quarter. I don’t have a blemish free track record from my past of living in community. I especially struggle with harboring my feelings, refusing to bring up conflict in any form, sporadically erupting through passive aggressive actions, resulting in a fracturing of the relationship and a desire to quickly escape. There have been a few small victories in the last few years in this department, but again, there is much ground to yet cover. I have recently been able to confess these sinful tendencies to my current roommates, express some of my feelings, and ask for forgiveness and grace on their part. I was joyfully overwhelmed by their grace and understanding. And just last night, we have agreed to work together in order to grow in this area of our lives (as all three of us are huge conflict avoiders). I am excited and hopeful to grow personally and corporately as we tread the dark and scary waters of conflict resolution. While the prospect of bringing up conflict still causes me to want to crawl into a hole, I am convinced that this growth is vital to my walk with Christ and my survival on whatever ministry team I might find myself in the future.
While there have been a couple of times this quarter when I was incredibly homesick and questioned my decision to move to L.A. and take part in this program, I am encouraged by God’s reaffirmation of my calling. Despite the hardships, the doubts, and the trials, I am confident of the Lord’s leading in my life and I’m hopeful for what he wants to teach me through this program. At times it’s tempting to be overwhelmed by my own sinfulness and shortcomings, but I can also look back and see how God has been challenging my faith, developing my talents, stretching my limits, and causing new and exciting growth. It’s still daunting to think about what I might be doing at the end of this internship, but I feel affirmed by God that I am on the right path. He continues to grow my heart for the poor and the hurting and I feel a renewed call toward Bolivia and/or Latin America. I’m looking forward to the next year of the internship where we will be able to engage more with our own gifts and callings. The mountain of unknowns for the future causes me to cringe, but also fills me with anticipation and hope!
