Unlocking my Giftedness

Tonight we had my gifts project meeting. Over the last month or so, we've been working on determining each of our individual natural abilities, acquired skills, and spiritual gifts. After writing up a report, each of us have a meeting with a few other interns and the internship staff to talk through our findings and help discern potential gifts.

My meeting went well. It was slightly awkward having all of the attention focused on me for 2 hours and I realized I need to grow in the discipline of self-awareness because it was difficult to answer a lot of the questions. It wasn't exactly as I imagined, but I think a lot of good came of it.

First, there were a lot of good questions about my childhood and what made me the way I am. I've never really thought about it... but it was interesting to go into some of those places and try to find the root to some of my insecurities and fears. It still feels a little foreign, but I'm interested in seeing if the Lord might want to speak into any of those areas. We also talked about the difficulty I have being myself or going deep with new people. One interesting realization that came out of this was that I definitely connect with people best through humor and silliness. People that share my weirdness and quirkiness and affirm the same qualities in myself are the more fun and easiest to get to know. But I was challenged to learn better how to connect with all people, including those I don't initially click with. Maybe this doesn't seem very possible in the world, but in the Kingdom of God, it is very possible to have a deep and fruitful relationship with someone totally different from myself, through God's grace.

Moving on to giftedness... we decided that my most prominent natural abilities are ownership/responsibility and excellence-orientation. And my most prominent acquired skills are organizing/planning/delegating and customer relations/service. These gifts seem to be especially valuable in serving in supporting and behind-the-scenes capacities - which partner well with some of the spiritual gifts that were affirmed in me. I also like to utilize some of these skills to realize the dreams and visions of others. While I am not a gifted visionary on my own, I really enjoy partnering with others that have an apostolic/visioning gift in order to help them take the steps necessary to bring their dreams to life.

It seems like my most dominant spiritual gift, as least at this point in time, is mercy. And many of the other love gifts (giving, helps, governments) seem to flow out of this mercy gift. When I encounter a person or a situation that brings me to a place of great empathy, I am often moved to action through giving, serving, and organizing a way to meet a felt need. I feel very alive in these settings and receive joy when I am able to bless others and practically respond to situations of pain and injustice.

Despite a lot of my timidity issues, there seem to be a few word gifts lurking under the surface - especially exhortation, pastoring, and maybe teaching. I have exercised some these gifts in very intimate settings - with close friends or small groups, but still lack the confidence to speak out in larger group settings or with people that I don't know as well. Definitely as issue of confidence and authority. I realized that I assign authority to people with lots of knowledge, training, education, and experience. But this is the world's definition of authority. On the other hand, Jesus decided to give authority to young, inexperienced, uneducated disciples. They healed the sick, performed miracles, and cast out demons, drawing their authority from the source - Jesus Christ himself. When we come into the Kingdom of God, the Holy Spirit gives us authority to speak truth and preach the gospel. While some Christians seem to have more spiritual authority than others, we all have these basic points of authority.

The next step in really owning and unearthing these word gifts really seems to involve embracing the authority that I have as an ambassador of Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit. In those situations where I feel great empathy and grief, I will be able to speak encouraging words of love and truth. Where I see apathy and inaction, I will be able to speak words of correction and rebuke - not from a place of perfection but from a place of believing God when He says that He intended more.

Finally... I'm learning to embrace the truth that all growth comes through risk. I need to let go of my tendencies toward perfectionism and define the new meaning of excellence as a place in which I risk boldly for Jesus. My worth does not come from what I achieve on my own, but what I trust God to do through me. Once again I commit to take courage and step out in faith, trusting God to be at my side and transform me into a new creation, for the glory of His name.

Spring 2011 Quarter Reflection

We just finished our spring quarter for the Servant Partners internship. Which, crazy enough, means that we are over half-way through the internship! After each quarter we are encouraged to write a reflection of our experiences. I hope you enjoy hearing about some of the stuff that's been going on in my life here in L.A.

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The past quarter has felt busy. The first half of the quarter I was working at both the tutoring center and the coffee shop. Both jobs only added up to about 30 hours, but the physical and emotional energy to be invested in two places each day was really exhausting. Now that I am only working at the coffee shop life feels more manageable. The challenge for me now involves the randomness of my work schedule. It’s hard to get into a routine when each week, each day looks different. But, that’s also what keeps things interesting. I can look back and remember how much I struggled with the monotony of engineering cubicle life and I am thankful for change.

The most difficult thing to establish in this season is a firm and fruitful devotional life. I have recently begun practicing a new prayer technique. I have established different people/places to pray for on each day of the week. This has been helpful to focus my prayer times and stay accountable to those that I have committed to pray for. Since I typically wake up around 5am on the mornings that I open the coffee shop, it’s difficult to engage fully with the Spirit or even my own thoughts. I have to set an alarm at the end of my prayer time in the probable case that I fall asleep during prayer. On occasion I might have an afternoon or evening quiet time, but it’s difficult to regularly carve out this time with the Lord. I’ve been challenged by the concepts of Bosch’s A Spirituality on the Road as a model to better engage with the Spirit throughout the day rather than relying solely on receiving from the Lord during times of solitude. It’s been a call to constantly recognize His presence and work all around me, to keep a more continual posture of prayer, and remain open to the work of collaboration with the Holy Spirit.

The final challenge in this pace of life has been finding regular and life-giving times of rest and solitude. First, in regards to solitude, despite the challenges of living in community within an overcrowded metropolis, I cannot deny my need for alone time. These are the times that I revive my spirit, receive perspective, and realign my heart. It’s easy to stay busy, stay distracted, and fill my life with work, people, ministry, and fun, but I have to take a stand for my own health and well-being and fight for the rest that I need. The most challenging part of this call is to learn how to say ‘no’ to hanging out with friends and doing fun activities. I’ve learned that one of the most effective ways to “be alone” in this season in the city is to take a random bus adventure across the city. I’ve gone to the beach, to Olvera Street, and to a photography museum – all of which were fun and life-giving adventures. I was also challenged by Daniel’s charge to pursue healthy holy habits in partnership. Alone I am quite weak, but in partnership I am stronger and more likely to succeed. I experienced this once this quarter with my roommate Grace when we took a Saturday adventure to the beach. We travelled together, but went our separate ways once we arrived and it proved to be one of the most spiritually restful days of the quarter. My random work schedule does not permit this kind of thing very often, but I want to seek it out whenever possible. It is in this busy season of discipleship that I am learning habits for the rest of my life. I pray the Lord would give me the focus and strength that I need to seek him and take care of myself.

This quarter has marked the start of the “storming” season within our team. It’s been hard, but also very good and challenging to encounter this season together. My past has often been marked by a tendency to run at the first sign of conflict. Things just get too awkward, uncomfortable, and messy to stick around. But I’m learning that this doesn’t have to be the routine. Instead, it’s actually possible to persevere through this season and come out stronger and closer in the end. I’ve seen this to be true in a few of my closest friendships, but I’m hoping to learn this to be the reality in other relationships as well, especially those within my SP team and other future ministry teams. I am well aware of the statistics that the majority of the missionaries that return early from the field do so because of difficult team dynamics. One of the main goals I have for myself is to at least be better at conflict resolution and community living at the end of this internship, God willing.

I’ve successfully brought up minor issues with both of my roommates this quarter as well as voiced some frustrations to my team. I’m not saying it was easy by any means, but I am seeing small growth, and I’m sweating and pacing less and less with each encounter. After bringing up feelings of frustration with my team at a meeting, I was particularly encouraged by Daniel’s affirmation. He called me over after the meeting and said, “You know, they say that there could really be hundreds of different ‘spiritual gifts’ and if courage is one of those, I would say you definitely have the gift of courage.” I’ve been blessed to discuss a bunch of my insecurities, fears, and frustrations with Daniel over this year, receiving grace and encouragement. Because of the ways he knows my fears, he knew how scary it was for me to bring up an issue with the team, and his acknowledgement and affirmation was so powerful in my journey with conflict.

While praying and reflecting on this past quarter with my SP mentor, a certain scripture came to mind. It’s been an important word to me for many years. “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7). Timidity has plagued my life for as long as I can remember. I used to get butterflies every day before school, public speaking is just about the scariest thing I can think of doing, and I hate talking on the phone to anyone that isn’t within my top 5 closest friends. But by God’s mercy, he has freed me from much of this fear. He has made me more secure in my identity as his beloved child and is in the process of doing a powerful work in me in regards to speaking with confidence and embracing the authority that he has given me. I am hopeful for the future, trusting God to help me throw off this cloak of timidity. I desire to fully embrace the power of his Spirit, to be defined by his perfect love, and to have a life marked by obedient discipline.

One way that I’ve been able to practice embracing the power of the Holy Spirit is through my continuing work with the children of my church. Unlike scary, condemning, and often judgmental adults, kids are fun, accepting, and curious… at least more often than not. I’ve been able to practice using my words and talk about the great love of Jesus. I still prefer to have a more supportive role in this ministry, but I am learning and practicing my speaking, teaching, and pastoring skills. More than anything, I’ve been blessed and encouraged by the acceptance and trust that is growing between me and the kids. If nothing else, working with the kids seems to be a training wheel of sorts for building up my confidence and authority as a teacher of the word.

Speaking of spiritual gifts, acquired skills, and natural abilities, I am very excited for the upcoming gifts project! I haven’t worked on the report yet, but at this point in my personal assessment, it is very clear that my gifts lie heavily within the love category. I’ve always kind of known this. I feel most comfortable in a behind the scenes, get-the-job-done, supportive kind of role. I especially like to share the love of Christ with the poor, the forgotten, and the oppressed, and demonstrate that love through visible and practical action. While I see the need and value of these gifts, I struggle to envision how these more “passive” gifts could be used in an “active” way that will powerfully proclaim the gospel and usher people into the kingdom. In addition to further developing my character, one of the main reasons that I haven’t rushed out into the mission field is because I’m not sure how to best utilize these love gifts. I’m hoping to engage more with the Lord regarding this issue and receive a more clear vision for his intended purposes in my work as a missionary.

I’m also excited to think about how I can possibly work to develop some of the word gifts. I specifically see some potential in the areas or teaching, pastoring, and exhortation. I’d like to see if there are certain ways that I can work on these areas and grow in confidence in using my words well (even though it scares me to say that). The Lord is good and powerful and I am confident in his desire to develop my gifts and in his power to do more than I can even imagine. I’m looking forward to start thinking about the future. While I am really enjoying life and ministry here in South L.A., I’ve always had the intention of moving on from here into new areas of ministry, wherever that may be. I am anxious to see what that next step looks like!