Christmas Festivities

Although I spent my Christmas many miles away from my awesome family, it was still a good one! On Christmas Eve I went hiking with my roommate Stephanie and her parents at Griffith Park (around the Hollywood sign). And then that evening we went to the candlelight service at a big church in Pasadena - Lake Avenue. On Christmas, my roommate Grace and another teammate Kyle and I drove down to San Diego. We enjoyed a multi-course Asian themed progressive lunch in the Kearny Mesa neighborhood. Then we drove over to La Jolla to gawk at the funny seals lounging on the beach and and the amazingly beautiful landscape. For an alternate explanation of the festivities, check out Grace's blog here.) When we got back to L.A., Stephanie and her parents had prepared a full turkey and fixings Christmas dinner for us to enjoy with them! It was quite delicious and fun to enjoy a little family feel. And then we opened Christmas presents! Steph's parents even made sure that each of us had a couple of gifts to open! And they got our household a whole basket full of delicious organic edibles to fill our cabinets. What a blessing! Enjoy the pics! I hope your Christmas was fabulous and special too! What did you do?

Merry Christmas from Servant Partners

SP Fall 2010 Quarter Reflection

We are all required to write a reflection on the first quarter of our internship with SP. I finally knocked it out today. It's kinda personal and might be a little repetitive from previous posts, but if you're interested in getting the summary, check it out. I encourage you to remind me of God's faithfulness and keep me accountable to growing in the coming months. Thanks!

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While this first quarter of the internship has felt like an extended period of transition, it has also been a season of preparation and foundation building. A spirit of learning and flexibility has been required to take in all of the new things that this season has included – such as moving to a new state, city, and neighborhood, getting to know and share intimacy within a brand new community, learning new bible study methods, learning to grow in unnatural ministry areas (teaching and evangelism), and moving into a season of seeking out God’s long term call on my life. While there have been many challenges, there have also been incredible joys and a growing understanding of the Lord’s constant presence and provision. He has begun to break ground on the new foundations he is establishing in my life, and I pray the next quarter will be a further realization of strong and deep foundations to support whatever God calls me to and to withstand the coming floods of life.

Probably the biggest trial in this first quarter has been unemployment. Being without work has caused me to question my value, my calling to this place, my future, and my overall purpose. It has been a roller coaster ride of discouragement, confusion, and short-lived glimpses of hope. The lack of routine has made it difficult to say motivated and productive. I’m one of those people that seem to be much more productive and effective when I am sufficiently busy and pulled in a number of directions, so looking back on my relatively empty and apparent-wasted days has been tough. But the extra time has been helpful in terms of practicing and establishing new spiritual disciplines. In addition, having a roommate that is also unemployed has been helpful in terms of keeping each other accountable and encouraging each other when all seems hopeless. Also, it’s been difficult to start this internship well since I seem to have the ongoing mindset of transition – almost as if the internship won’t really start until I am working a regular job. It seems to have been a season about learning to trust God completely. Nothing about my future is guaranteed and I am learning to put my confidence in the Lord’s care and concern for me. I have never been without, so it’s sad to see how easily I can become anxious about my future. Even now, I have savings built up and a community of believers that loves me and has committed to take care of me if things get tight. I hope to come out of this season of unemployment with a heightened level of perseverance and character as I know this will not be the only time of uncertainty in my life. It’s interesting that I am living this reality right alongside my parents who are also seeking the Lord’s plan anew for their own futures. Just goes to show that the process never really ends and this is the time when I should really focus on building up my character. While it has been full of questions and anxiety, I pray that this season will produce in me endurance and trust to carry with me for the rest of my life.

The other challenge for me, which has also been one of the blessings, has been learning to live well in community. I spent the last 8 months before moving to Los Angeles living in a studio apartment by myself. I was involved with my church and a great small group and had lots of good friends from all sorts of different social circles, but after all that stuff I could come home to my little studio – where everything was just how I left it and I had complete rule and control. My minor OCD tendencies loved having a space that was completely my own, an escape from everything that I couldn’t control in the rest of my life. Although I really liked this set-up, I was also well aware of the unhealthy habits that it might be building up in my personality – selfishness, control issues, escapism, and a lack of community accountability and mutual sharpening. With all of these characteristics beginning to materialize, I moved into community of strangers. It has been a challenge to set aside my own preferences, OCD tendencies, and issues of control. I want things in their place, relatively clean, and just as I left them or prefer them. Obviously, my unreasonable expectations have not been met, leaving me with the temptation to fall into attitudes of criticism and bitterness. To make matters worse, my avoidance method of conflict resolution only perpetuates the problem. I know this is an area of sin and struggle for me and I need to work on improving my attitude and resolving legitimate issues well. When I lived in Bolivia for 6 months in 2006, I struggled with similar community conflict issues within our team and did not embrace the opportunity to grow in this area. I want this experience in SP to be new and different. I have recently begun memorizing scripture to combat my critical spirit and have brought up a couple very small conflicts within my house. I’m praying for growth in this area and mercy from my roommates to overlook my immaturity and help me get better. I also acknowledge the necessity of community. Despite the challenges, I desperately need community to encourage, support, challenge, and sharpen me. I am very weak on my own and cannot survive without a loving community around me. I believe community is where God’s purposes are lived out and I want to learn more about the heart of God and how to love God and my neighbor well, all of which can only be accomplished if I learn to get over my attitudes of selfishness and timidity.

In regards to practicing healthy, holy habits in this season, I feel like I have been somewhat successful. I have been exercising several times a week with teammates and church friends, eating reasonably healthy within our household, establishing a good rhythm with communal spiritual disciplines, and holding to a somewhat regular routine in my own spiritual practices. The community factor has really helped to establish good habits – physical, financial, and spiritual. It has been a huge blessing to be surrounded by people that lovingly challenge me in my own spiritual walk and live as an example in their own disciplines. Establishing a firm and vibrant personal spirituality has always been a challenge for me. It has continued to be a challenge in this season, but by learning to experiment with new and different prayer and meditation methods, I am starting to see growth in my own relationship with Christ – especially in the way of making space to listen and hear from God, but there is still plenty of room to grow. I’m also excited to have begun an accountability partner relationship with one of my teammates. It’s still very new to me, but I definitely see the potential for healthy challenge and growth. I look forward to the next quarter of this internship with anticipation for continued growth in the ways of teaching and owning my personal spiritual journey.

I’m really excited for the upcoming ministry project next quarter. While I have no idea what the ministry project will entail, I am looking forward to meeting more people in the neighborhood and learning more about the characteristics and challenges of the neighborhood. I expect that having an outreach agenda will help me to be proactive about meeting people and starting up conversations. Meeting neighbors has been difficult so far. We have done pretty well within our own apartment building, but haven’t ventured much further than that. We keep talking about going door to door to meet more neighbors, but haven’t made it out yet. It’s pretty intimidating to think about – especially since there are so many gates on our street and everyone seems to keep to themselves. So, I’m excited to meet more people in the area and maybe by building a rapport with some of the neighbors, I’ll gain more confidence in talking with other neighbors. I am also looking forward to learning more about the personality and challenges of our neighborhood. I definitely don’t yet feel like I belong in this neighborhood, but I’m hoping as I build more relationships and hear more of people’s stories that I’ll start to feel more deeply connected. I desire to have a better understanding of my neighbors and gain an ownership and sense of pride for my new neighborhood. Other aspects of the upcoming ministry project make me nervous – such as reaching out to new people, sharing my story, evangelizing, and teaching. All of these aspects will definitely serve to stretch me in all kinds of ways. I’m praying for an extra measure of God’s grace as I seek to gain more confidence in some of these extroverted areas. As we move closer to the ministry project, I suspect I’ll have to be more intentional about limiting my unnecessary internet time, getting to bed earlier, and establishing a good and steady routine. Even if I’m still unemployed during the ministry project, I know it will be important for me to set up some structure to my days. I need to focus especially on prioritizing and scheduling regular personal and communal times with the Lord. For all of these reasons, I look onto the next quarter with anticipation, excited about what the Lord will do and how I might come out different on the other side.

This sums up my first quarter with SP in South Los Angeles. Looking past the various trials, it’s cool to remember all the ways that the Lord was proved faithful and powerful. He has provided a great community of friends, a great place to live, and small mercies to get me through each day. After an especially discouraging week a couple of weeks ago, God provided a whole pile of small encouragements that really served to lift my spirits. And when I had to tackle the dreaded devotional this quarter, the Lord came through in the nick of time to give me His words and the assurance that he was right there with me. I am overwhelmed by the goodness of my God. Looking back on this quarter I can remember and rest assured that the Lord provides, that He is always present with me, and that He can do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine, according to His power. To Him be the glory!

Some Light!

I'm sorry about my last blog. I was at a difficult place and starting to lose hope. But I have no reason to lose hope... because I belong to Christ, and he reigns victorious! The Lord was faithful to pull me up from the pit and set my feet on solid ground.

This past week has been full of joy, hope, and new things. Praise God! Last Saturday we had our SP Quarter Close ceremony. We spent some time reflecting on the first 3 months of our internship here in South LA and the many ways in which God proved faithful. One of our teammates, Kyle, spoke about how important it is to reflect on the many ways in the past that the Lord has been faithful and powerful so that we can remember these examples in times of trial and hopelessness. Just like in the story of David getting ready to fight Goliath. 'And David said, “The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” And Saul said to David, “Go, and the LORD be with you!”' (I Sam 17:37) Even though this season has been difficult, the Lord has been incredibly faithful to provide for my daily needs and encourage me with a community of friends and prayer partners. And I look to the future with hope, knowing that God is growing my character and faith in this uncertain time. It's in seasons of difficulty that we can more fully rely on God and experience tremendous growth. Excited to see what the next quarter will bring. :)

And since remembering the Lord's faithfulness and repenting of my unbelief, God has provided some very tangible nuggets of encouragement. On Saturday I enjoyed an afternoon in Venice - exploring the canals and watching the sunset on the beach. On Monday I received a call from a tutoring company interested in bringing me on under the No Child Left Behind program. I will attend orientation over the next couple of weeks and possibly start tutoring kids in January! On Tuesday some teammates and I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. John M. Perkins and hear him reflect on the American church and the hope that lies in the coming "post-racism" generation - that is, if we can get outside of ourselves and become truly passionate about the injustices of our day. On Wednesday I had a fruitful prayer time with one of my teammates and enjoyed a delicious burger and beer with one of my brother's childhood best friends. It was fun to catch up and be around some family-ish people. On Thursday it finally worked out for me to volunteer with a cool after-school outreach program in the skid row (homeless) community. It was their last day of the semester and their Christmas celebration, so things were pretty crazy and the kids quite rambunctious, but I was so encouraged to have the opportunity to use some of my free time to bless this ministry and identify more with the skid row community. And finally, last night, we got to know our new neighbors and their friends a little better as we watched them film a music video behind our building. (They're rap artists and have produced a CD or two.) It was fun to get a little bit of a glimpse into their world... and who knows - maybe we'll see the video on TV some day!

So, thanks for your prayers! Praise God for his faithfulness! He always seems to provide exactly what I need when I need it. Please continue to pray for encouragement in the next few weeks. I'll be staying around LA for Christmas to save some money and immerse myself more in the community. But it will be the first time EVER that I will be away from my parents on Christmas, so please pray for me and for them, that we would be surrounded by our family in Christ and filled with gratitude this Christmas!

Enjoy some pictures from my week!

Perseverance in the Desert

As the SP quarter comes to a close, I am feeling unmotivated, lazy, and direction-less. The better part of the last 3 months since moving to L.A. has been spent looking for a job. In a lot of ways it has felt like an extended time of transition. Like the internship hasn't really started since I have yet to find a day job. Being unemployed is tough... especially being in a new place, and one in which my main purpose is intended to be growing in faith and ministry. I'm struggling to find my place and my purpose here. There is a continual battle between what I should be doing, what I want to be doing, and whether or not I'm being sensitive to God's leading in the day-to-day. I often think being unemployed wouldn't be so bad if I just knew when the unemployment would end... a little light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it's 3 more months down the road, at least I would feel better equipped to spend my money and my time wisely.

Last night I dreamed about running the Bolder Boulder 10k (a really fun race in Colorado that I've enjoyed running several times). But the race didn't look as it usually looks. I was running along the course, but no one else was around, there was no one to set the pace or to follow down the route. I kept getting lost and questioning where I was supposed to turn to stay on the course. And each time I stopped to question I was getting more and more frustrated and stressed out because the delays were cutting into my precious finish time.

I'm not really sure why I dreamed about the Bolder Boulder, but it does seem to go along with the many emotions and anxieties that I've been feeling over the last couple of weeks. I'm beginning to lose focus and motivation in the race. It's difficult for me to stay the course because I'm not sure where I'm going or how I'm supposed to proceed. I've often felt like I'm aimlessly wandering and I'm beginning to panic about the complete lack of control that I seem to have over the situation.

A verse from the bible comes to mind:

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." (I Cor 9:24-27)

I really want to run the race well. To run with a purpose, focused on the eternal prize at the end. It seems like a challenge right now. I guess, despite the dryness and the failed expectations of what I thought this season would look like, I must press on towards the finish. Even though I don't feel all that motivated or excited about life right now, I must persevere. I must trust in God's plan and believe his promise to be faithful. Though at times it feels like I'm wandering through the desert, I rejoice knowing that the Lord is with me and shaping me for the future.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

Sorry for the rambling downer of a blog... it's just some of what's going on in my mind right now. Praying for God's grace to rain down anew tomorrow. Pushing on, learning to trust, and hoping to come out new and different.

Foundations to Withstand the FLOOD

My internship class has been studying the book of Luke over the course of this first quarter. We are finishing up the quarter in about a week, and it's cool to look back at what the Lord has been teaching each of us through the study of his word.

Last night, we wrapped up our study of Jesus' famous "sermon on the plain" (Luke 6:20-49). Jesus talks about some pretty radical ideas in the sermon... i.e. blessed are the poor and the hungry, rejoice in rejection and exclusion, love your enemies, give to everyone that asks you, take the plank out of your own eye before pointing out the speck in your brother's eye, etc. It's good stuff and ideas that we should all be taking to heart and applying in our everyday lives! Easier said than done, of course.

Jesus wraps up this epic sermon with a parable about the wise and foolish builders. Give it a read if you're not familiar:

"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I tell you? I will show you what someone is like who comes to me, hears my words, and acts on them. That one is like a man building a house, who dug deeply and laid the foundation on rock; when a flood arose, the river burst against that house but could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not act is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the river burst against it, immediately it fell, and great was the ruin of that house."

As you may or may not know, my last job was at an engineering firm, working under a contract with FEMA and the National Flood Insurance Program. So, naturally, it was difficult not to throw out some nerdy engineer talk while we were discussing this passage. ;) This parable is cool because it provides such a vivid image, and in terms to which I can very easily relate. So what's different about these 2 builders? They both built a house next to a river and they were both hit by the flood. They both put in some major work to construct a house, but the wise builder put in even MORE work. He planned, thought things through, and prepared for the worst. He built his house with a large factor of safety, well within the building code requirements, and probably bought a hefty flood insurance policy! (haha, sorry) When the flood came, the house with deep foundations reaching down to solid rock was unshaken, while the other house met utter destruction!

So what does it mean to build your house on the rock? Well, right at the beginning of the parable, Jesus tells us. The wise builder is he who comes to Jesus, hears his words, and ACTS on them. It's cool that Jesus puts this parable at the very end of his sermon.... seeming to say, "Alright, you've heard everything that I just told you, now go and do it! Then your foundations will be deep and your house will withstand whatever crap that is sure to come in the future. Although I've heard this parable many times, I've always seemed to miss the emphasis on physical action. Your foundation won't withstand the flood if you simply come to Jesus and hear his commands; your life with be left in complete ruin. Only if you live a life of action, following Jesus' radical commands, will your faith, relationships and life stand a chance against the hardship that is guaranteed to come in this world!

Our staff then challenged us to look back through the entire sermon on the plain and pull out a few things that we feel God is calling us to act on. Here are the 3 that came to my mind: 1 - live simply and get comfortable in poverty 2 - let go of your pride and accept criticism with joy, knowing your reward is great 3 - do not be a judgmental hypocrite, but love with humility, knowing God has done the same for you.

I'm so thankful to have this time in the SP internship to really grow and develop in my faith. I'm excited to continue to work on digging deep foundations. I know the flood will come, sooner or later, whether I work in a cube or live in an international slum. I will become a woman of action because I want to survive the flood!