As I got in the car to head over to Keo's house... it dawned on me how silly it was that I was in the car in the first place. It's just a 15 min walk or 5 min bike ride. But since I was already in my car and I had my computer and everything, I decided to start up the engine and head over. I was immediately regretting my decision when I realized that it was street sweeping day and I couldn't find a single parking spot on her entire street. I drove around for a while, kicking myself for being in my car at all when I finally paralleled into a spot a couple blocks from her house.
After a good few hours of work/hang out with Keo, I headed back to my car. I got in, started the engine, and realized there was something posted on my windshield. "What the... Is that a... CRAP!" After all that driving around, I had parked on a Wednesday street sweeping block anyways! When I saw cars on the street I just assumed it wasn't a Wednesday street and neglected to read the sign right in front of me! IDIOT! Now I owe a whopping $68 to the City of Los Angeles for my negligence! I can't even begin to express how upset, frustrated, mad, embarrassed, ashamed, pissed I was about the situation. Maybe it sounds like nothing... $68, who cares? But as I await to see if my two random part time jobs will even cover my basic monthly necessities, every dollar seems like a big deal. $68 is what it costs to buy a tank of gas, $68 is about what I would be tithing each month on my salary, $68 is a week's worth of groceries for me and my two roommates.
I drove the 5 min back to my place, and broke down in tears. So dumb, right? Grr... I wish this didn't sting so bad. And then I immediately went to God with my emotions. Why is this affecting me so badly? How can I get so upset about $68? Why didn't I make the responsible/environmental decision to use alternate transportation? God went on to ask me questions about my own heart and motives. He showed me that every decision I make has an impact on my own well being and the world. He challenged me about my very individualistic view of finances and gently told me that the $68 isn't mine anyways. It's his. All of it is his. I felt humbled and ashamed. But God wrapped me in his grace and encouraged me to lift up my head, forgive myself, and get on with things. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with my own sinfulness and continuous failure. But the Lord is good and faithful and never stops forgiving me and picking me back up. Thanks. Please teach me to look outside of myself and to trust you with my life and my money.
It's ironic that we happen to be coming up on some passages on financial issues as we study the gospel of Luke. I'll try to keep you updated as I learn more about finances. I'm praying for a more healthy and communal take on money. And bigger trust in God as my provider.
