A couple of weeks ago, a few of my teammates and I had the opportunity to go to the Servant Partners All Staff Conference. SP staff from all over the world came to California to have a time of fellowship, study the scriptures, and share stories of success and failure in urban poor ministry. It was an incredible experience to take part in. I was very encouraged throughout the week by the testimonies of the SP missionaries and the promises of God in our work as his laborers. If nothing else, it made me really appreciate Servant Partners as an organization and made me quite fond of the idea of becoming part of the SP staff team.
But beyond socializing with some awesome missionaries, an unexpected time of prayer and healing occurred during this week. One of the evening sessions was about leadership development and how the SP staff members should be seeking to both learn from others and share their knowledge in order to build up leaders in the church. We broke into small groups to discuss our past experiences in leadership development and how we see God calling us into future mentor/mentee relationships. I unexpectedly had a very emotional reaction to these conversations. The topic seemed to draw up sentiments of inadequacy in leadership - stemming from both a feeling of not being invested in by others in a deep, long-term fashion and a feeling of not having the experience or authority necessary to train others to grow as leaders. (Perhaps a theme in my spiritual journey in this season...)
After the session, noticing my emotional reaction, my internship staff leader, Daniel, asked if he could pray with me about some of the issues that had come up that night. I welcomed his offer and we spent some time lifting up some of my insecurities and listening for words from God about my identity as his daughter and ways to move forward in the journey. I was able to be honest with God about the labels that I have given myself as a shy, unconfident, inadequate, and imperfect leader. I was able to throw off some of those labels and accept God's view of me as a beloved daughter that, in her weakness, is able to bring great fruit for the kingdom. During prayer, the story of the widow's offering (Luke 21:1-4) came to mind. God seemed to be saying that whatever I am able to bring to the table as far as leadership is enough. By giving out of my poverty or weakness, I am offering a faithful gift to the Lord, which he is fully capable of multiplying and using as a blessing to the kingdom. I felt affirmed by the Lord in prayer and invited into further risk and faithfulness in order to grow and develop as a leader. Again, I found myself having to let go of the desire to be perfect/excellent and reorienting my perception of excellence as taking faithful risks for God and the kingdom.
Daniel encouraged me to seek further prayer from the intercessory team at the conference regarding these emerging issues. I talked with the intersession team leader who set me up with one of the team members - Dale. We made an appointment to meet the following afternoon. My teammate Keo joined me as we met with Dale for prayer. It was a really awesome and fruitful time. I was able to explain a lot of the issues that came up regarding timidity, confidence, authority, and perfectionism.
Again, we spent time listening for a word from God about the issues we were bringing to the table. This time the story of Jesus calling his first disciples (Luke 5:1-11) came to mind. This story talks about how Jesus, after teaching the people on the shore from Simon's fishing boat, instructs Simon to put out into deep water and let down his nets for a catch. Simon was hesitant since he had been laboring all night without any luck in catching fish, but he obliged saying, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. but because you say so, I will let down the nets." Despite his doubts, Simon obeyed the Lord and was astounded by the outcome. He was sure that he had already done everything in his power to find fish that day, but it just goes to show that Jesus is able to do incredible things, even when we logically doubt what is possible. I felt God telling me, "Look, you don't have to be a master in leadership, just follow my instructions, let down your nets and you will be astounded at the great catch." And towards the end of the story, Jesus comforts Simon by saying, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will be a fisher of men." Again, this felt like a word of comfort and affirmation from the Lord. "Despite your insecurities... you have no reason to fear. I am with you and able to do more that you can even imagine."
Dale then lead me through a ritual of breaking a vow that I've made with the world. I prayed in the name of Jesus, breaking the vow that I've made to be perfect in the eyes of the world. I cast off the pressure to be free from failure or error. And embraced the freedom to make mistakes and take risks. I then sat in the this new reality and felt the Lord saying that he would protect me in my fear. That he would be my cloak of protection. I then prayed to accept the cloak of protection that the Lord was offering me. Dale encouraged me to really practice living in the reality of my identity as a beloved daughter of Christ, on which he was bestowed great power and authority. He encouraged me to camp in certain scriptures that reiterate the incredible love that God has for me as his daughter. We finished the prayer time by Dale anointing my head and hands with oil, sealing the work of the Holy Spirit and blessing my vow to living as a beloved daughter.
What an incredible experience. I went to the All Staff Conference with the intention of meeting lots of SP missionaries and learning more about SP as an organization. All of this indeed occurred. But how extravagant is the love of the Father that he would gladly and lovingly give me what I truly needed in that time. He has generously lead me one step closer to becoming my truest self. What an incredible God he is.
