Development Plan

As we move into the second year of the Servant Partners internship, our individual ministry will be influenced by our personal development plans. After getting some great insights from our gifts projects, we were encouraged to determine a few areas that we would like to work on developing further. These areas could be primarily ministry focused or they could be primarily focused on personal healing and growth.

In response to my findings in the gifts project, there are a few things that seemed to stand out to me in terms of areas that could use some growth. First, I'd like to learn to be a bit more self-aware and self-caring. Second, I'd like to work on growing in confidence and authority and developing some of the potential word gifts - teaching, pastoring, exhortation. And finally, I'd like to move forward in determining whether or not God might be calling me to a long-term ministry role in Bolivia. All of this is addressed in my personal development plan. If you are interested in the specifics, please see below.

I am really looking forward to this year! I have high hopes for the ways that the Lord will grow and stretch me in new ways.

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Development Plan 08/17/2011

Ali Fraze, SPLAT second year intern

This past year of the internship has been full of challenges, surprises, and opportunities to grow. I am so thankful for these opportunities and really want to press into more of these places so that I can be faithful in this season of character building and preparation for whatever is next. A few of the areas that seem especially pressing in this season are growing in using my words, overcoming feelings of timidity and inadequacy, and learning to better understand myself and how I interact with and experience God.

The following are some of the ways that I believe God might be calling me to grow in these areas.

HHH (Healthy Holy Habits):

- Commit to journaling each night to grow in self-reflection (Daily Examen)

- Aim to block out a 12-hr chunk each week to devote to Sabbath (partner w/ Tabor, either literally or by means of accountability)

- Try out a quarterly personal retreat for prayer and reflection (partner w/ Tabor)

Ministry:

- Commit to a second year of teaching at the Adventures Ahead after-school program to grow in teaching, leadership, and authority.

- Continue to stay plugged into Children’s ministry at Redeemer as a means of developing teaching gifts and maintaining relationships w/ Friday night kids

- Look into possibly tutoring and/or developing a mentor relationship with my young neighbor friend

- Keep up with the aerobics class. I don’t really intend to go in with a “ministry” purpose, but it’s a great way to meet more women in the neighborhood, and I enjoy it!

Future:

- Research ministries currently working with the urban poor in La Paz, Bolivia

- Contact interesting ministries and make arrangements to meet with them while in Bolivia to get a vision of their work and team dynamics

- Complete a site visit to Bolivia!

Reading:

- Sabbath Keeping by Lynne M. Baab

- No Graven Image by Elisabeth Elliot

Mentors:

- Talk to someone who has overcome fear/timidity/anxiety in order to minister more effectively

- Talk to someone who can give me wisdom in regards to growing in leadership and authority

Burned!

I've been awake for almost this entire night thanks to an incredibly painful sunburn. I don't know if I've ever experienced anything quite as uncomfortable... even breaking my collarbone seemed less intense (though maybe that had something to do with all of the drugs I was on). I have been writhing in pain in my bed, completely uncomfortable, but afraid to move for fear of angering the nasty burn even further. The worst part of my sunburn is located on the back of my thighs. And it is really nasty because I can feel that my skin is physically swollen.

I feel especially frustrated and burned by the situation because I got sunburned during what was supposed to be a relaxing and life-giving sabbath at the beach. My teammate Tabor and I have been partnering with each other to learn how to instill a good rhythm of weekly sabbath. We have completed 2 weeks at this point, but both weeks were somewhat ruined by unexpected circumstances. This feels like an attach from the enemy. I am doing my best to honor God's command to make the seventh day holy and set apart for him, but seem to be discouraged by circumstances in this effort. While I am somewhat disheartened, I am also excited about the prospect of continuing this practice. Tabor and I are committed to keeping each other accountable to this discipline for the rest of our time in the SP internship. And practice makes perfect, right? I'm really hoping that practicing the sabbath will eventually turn into an enjoyable and life-giving experience - one that causes me to yearn for this day of rest each and every week.

Taking Another Small Step...

A couple of weeks ago, a few of my teammates and I had the opportunity to go to the Servant Partners All Staff Conference. SP staff from all over the world came to California to have a time of fellowship, study the scriptures, and share stories of success and failure in urban poor ministry. It was an incredible experience to take part in. I was very encouraged throughout the week by the testimonies of the SP missionaries and the promises of God in our work as his laborers. If nothing else, it made me really appreciate Servant Partners as an organization and made me quite fond of the idea of becoming part of the SP staff team.

But beyond socializing with some awesome missionaries, an unexpected time of prayer and healing occurred during this week. One of the evening sessions was about leadership development and how the SP staff members should be seeking to both learn from others and share their knowledge in order to build up leaders in the church. We broke into small groups to discuss our past experiences in leadership development and how we see God calling us into future mentor/mentee relationships. I unexpectedly had a very emotional reaction to these conversations. The topic seemed to draw up sentiments of inadequacy in leadership - stemming from both a feeling of not being invested in by others in a deep, long-term fashion and a feeling of not having the experience or authority necessary to train others to grow as leaders. (Perhaps a theme in my spiritual journey in this season...)

After the session, noticing my emotional reaction, my internship staff leader, Daniel, asked if he could pray with me about some of the issues that had come up that night. I welcomed his offer and we spent some time lifting up some of my insecurities and listening for words from God about my identity as his daughter and ways to move forward in the journey. I was able to be honest with God about the labels that I have given myself as a shy, unconfident, inadequate, and imperfect leader. I was able to throw off some of those labels and accept God's view of me as a beloved daughter that, in her weakness, is able to bring great fruit for the kingdom. During prayer, the story of the widow's offering (Luke 21:1-4) came to mind. God seemed to be saying that whatever I am able to bring to the table as far as leadership is enough. By giving out of my poverty or weakness, I am offering a faithful gift to the Lord, which he is fully capable of multiplying and using as a blessing to the kingdom. I felt affirmed by the Lord in prayer and invited into further risk and faithfulness in order to grow and develop as a leader. Again, I found myself having to let go of the desire to be perfect/excellent and reorienting my perception of excellence as taking faithful risks for God and the kingdom.

Daniel encouraged me to seek further prayer from the intercessory team at the conference regarding these emerging issues. I talked with the intersession team leader who set me up with one of the team members - Dale. We made an appointment to meet the following afternoon. My teammate Keo joined me as we met with Dale for prayer. It was a really awesome and fruitful time. I was able to explain a lot of the issues that came up regarding timidity, confidence, authority, and perfectionism.

Again, we spent time listening for a word from God about the issues we were bringing to the table. This time the story of Jesus calling his first disciples (Luke 5:1-11) came to mind. This story talks about how Jesus, after teaching the people on the shore from Simon's fishing boat, instructs Simon to put out into deep water and let down his nets for a catch. Simon was hesitant since he had been laboring all night without any luck in catching fish, but he obliged saying, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. but because you say so, I will let down the nets." Despite his doubts, Simon obeyed the Lord and was astounded by the outcome. He was sure that he had already done everything in his power to find fish that day, but it just goes to show that Jesus is able to do incredible things, even when we logically doubt what is possible. I felt God telling me, "Look, you don't have to be a master in leadership, just follow my instructions, let down your nets and you will be astounded at the great catch." And towards the end of the story, Jesus comforts Simon by saying, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will be a fisher of men." Again, this felt like a word of comfort and affirmation from the Lord. "Despite your insecurities... you have no reason to fear. I am with you and able to do more that you can even imagine."

Dale then lead me through a ritual of breaking a vow that I've made with the world. I prayed in the name of Jesus, breaking the vow that I've made to be perfect in the eyes of the world. I cast off the pressure to be free from failure or error. And embraced the freedom to make mistakes and take risks. I then sat in the this new reality and felt the Lord saying that he would protect me in my fear. That he would be my cloak of protection. I then prayed to accept the cloak of protection that the Lord was offering me. Dale encouraged me to really practice living in the reality of my identity as a beloved daughter of Christ, on which he was bestowed great power and authority. He encouraged me to camp in certain scriptures that reiterate the incredible love that God has for me as his daughter. We finished the prayer time by Dale anointing my head and hands with oil, sealing the work of the Holy Spirit and blessing my vow to living as a beloved daughter.

What an incredible experience. I went to the All Staff Conference with the intention of meeting lots of SP missionaries and learning more about SP as an organization. All of this indeed occurred. But how extravagant is the love of the Father that he would gladly and lovingly give me what I truly needed in that time. He has generously lead me one step closer to becoming my truest self. What an incredible God he is.

Unlocking my Giftedness

Tonight we had my gifts project meeting. Over the last month or so, we've been working on determining each of our individual natural abilities, acquired skills, and spiritual gifts. After writing up a report, each of us have a meeting with a few other interns and the internship staff to talk through our findings and help discern potential gifts.

My meeting went well. It was slightly awkward having all of the attention focused on me for 2 hours and I realized I need to grow in the discipline of self-awareness because it was difficult to answer a lot of the questions. It wasn't exactly as I imagined, but I think a lot of good came of it.

First, there were a lot of good questions about my childhood and what made me the way I am. I've never really thought about it... but it was interesting to go into some of those places and try to find the root to some of my insecurities and fears. It still feels a little foreign, but I'm interested in seeing if the Lord might want to speak into any of those areas. We also talked about the difficulty I have being myself or going deep with new people. One interesting realization that came out of this was that I definitely connect with people best through humor and silliness. People that share my weirdness and quirkiness and affirm the same qualities in myself are the more fun and easiest to get to know. But I was challenged to learn better how to connect with all people, including those I don't initially click with. Maybe this doesn't seem very possible in the world, but in the Kingdom of God, it is very possible to have a deep and fruitful relationship with someone totally different from myself, through God's grace.

Moving on to giftedness... we decided that my most prominent natural abilities are ownership/responsibility and excellence-orientation. And my most prominent acquired skills are organizing/planning/delegating and customer relations/service. These gifts seem to be especially valuable in serving in supporting and behind-the-scenes capacities - which partner well with some of the spiritual gifts that were affirmed in me. I also like to utilize some of these skills to realize the dreams and visions of others. While I am not a gifted visionary on my own, I really enjoy partnering with others that have an apostolic/visioning gift in order to help them take the steps necessary to bring their dreams to life.

It seems like my most dominant spiritual gift, as least at this point in time, is mercy. And many of the other love gifts (giving, helps, governments) seem to flow out of this mercy gift. When I encounter a person or a situation that brings me to a place of great empathy, I am often moved to action through giving, serving, and organizing a way to meet a felt need. I feel very alive in these settings and receive joy when I am able to bless others and practically respond to situations of pain and injustice.

Despite a lot of my timidity issues, there seem to be a few word gifts lurking under the surface - especially exhortation, pastoring, and maybe teaching. I have exercised some these gifts in very intimate settings - with close friends or small groups, but still lack the confidence to speak out in larger group settings or with people that I don't know as well. Definitely as issue of confidence and authority. I realized that I assign authority to people with lots of knowledge, training, education, and experience. But this is the world's definition of authority. On the other hand, Jesus decided to give authority to young, inexperienced, uneducated disciples. They healed the sick, performed miracles, and cast out demons, drawing their authority from the source - Jesus Christ himself. When we come into the Kingdom of God, the Holy Spirit gives us authority to speak truth and preach the gospel. While some Christians seem to have more spiritual authority than others, we all have these basic points of authority.

The next step in really owning and unearthing these word gifts really seems to involve embracing the authority that I have as an ambassador of Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit. In those situations where I feel great empathy and grief, I will be able to speak encouraging words of love and truth. Where I see apathy and inaction, I will be able to speak words of correction and rebuke - not from a place of perfection but from a place of believing God when He says that He intended more.

Finally... I'm learning to embrace the truth that all growth comes through risk. I need to let go of my tendencies toward perfectionism and define the new meaning of excellence as a place in which I risk boldly for Jesus. My worth does not come from what I achieve on my own, but what I trust God to do through me. Once again I commit to take courage and step out in faith, trusting God to be at my side and transform me into a new creation, for the glory of His name.

Spring 2011 Quarter Reflection

We just finished our spring quarter for the Servant Partners internship. Which, crazy enough, means that we are over half-way through the internship! After each quarter we are encouraged to write a reflection of our experiences. I hope you enjoy hearing about some of the stuff that's been going on in my life here in L.A.

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The past quarter has felt busy. The first half of the quarter I was working at both the tutoring center and the coffee shop. Both jobs only added up to about 30 hours, but the physical and emotional energy to be invested in two places each day was really exhausting. Now that I am only working at the coffee shop life feels more manageable. The challenge for me now involves the randomness of my work schedule. It’s hard to get into a routine when each week, each day looks different. But, that’s also what keeps things interesting. I can look back and remember how much I struggled with the monotony of engineering cubicle life and I am thankful for change.

The most difficult thing to establish in this season is a firm and fruitful devotional life. I have recently begun practicing a new prayer technique. I have established different people/places to pray for on each day of the week. This has been helpful to focus my prayer times and stay accountable to those that I have committed to pray for. Since I typically wake up around 5am on the mornings that I open the coffee shop, it’s difficult to engage fully with the Spirit or even my own thoughts. I have to set an alarm at the end of my prayer time in the probable case that I fall asleep during prayer. On occasion I might have an afternoon or evening quiet time, but it’s difficult to regularly carve out this time with the Lord. I’ve been challenged by the concepts of Bosch’s A Spirituality on the Road as a model to better engage with the Spirit throughout the day rather than relying solely on receiving from the Lord during times of solitude. It’s been a call to constantly recognize His presence and work all around me, to keep a more continual posture of prayer, and remain open to the work of collaboration with the Holy Spirit.

The final challenge in this pace of life has been finding regular and life-giving times of rest and solitude. First, in regards to solitude, despite the challenges of living in community within an overcrowded metropolis, I cannot deny my need for alone time. These are the times that I revive my spirit, receive perspective, and realign my heart. It’s easy to stay busy, stay distracted, and fill my life with work, people, ministry, and fun, but I have to take a stand for my own health and well-being and fight for the rest that I need. The most challenging part of this call is to learn how to say ‘no’ to hanging out with friends and doing fun activities. I’ve learned that one of the most effective ways to “be alone” in this season in the city is to take a random bus adventure across the city. I’ve gone to the beach, to Olvera Street, and to a photography museum – all of which were fun and life-giving adventures. I was also challenged by Daniel’s charge to pursue healthy holy habits in partnership. Alone I am quite weak, but in partnership I am stronger and more likely to succeed. I experienced this once this quarter with my roommate Grace when we took a Saturday adventure to the beach. We travelled together, but went our separate ways once we arrived and it proved to be one of the most spiritually restful days of the quarter. My random work schedule does not permit this kind of thing very often, but I want to seek it out whenever possible. It is in this busy season of discipleship that I am learning habits for the rest of my life. I pray the Lord would give me the focus and strength that I need to seek him and take care of myself.

This quarter has marked the start of the “storming” season within our team. It’s been hard, but also very good and challenging to encounter this season together. My past has often been marked by a tendency to run at the first sign of conflict. Things just get too awkward, uncomfortable, and messy to stick around. But I’m learning that this doesn’t have to be the routine. Instead, it’s actually possible to persevere through this season and come out stronger and closer in the end. I’ve seen this to be true in a few of my closest friendships, but I’m hoping to learn this to be the reality in other relationships as well, especially those within my SP team and other future ministry teams. I am well aware of the statistics that the majority of the missionaries that return early from the field do so because of difficult team dynamics. One of the main goals I have for myself is to at least be better at conflict resolution and community living at the end of this internship, God willing.

I’ve successfully brought up minor issues with both of my roommates this quarter as well as voiced some frustrations to my team. I’m not saying it was easy by any means, but I am seeing small growth, and I’m sweating and pacing less and less with each encounter. After bringing up feelings of frustration with my team at a meeting, I was particularly encouraged by Daniel’s affirmation. He called me over after the meeting and said, “You know, they say that there could really be hundreds of different ‘spiritual gifts’ and if courage is one of those, I would say you definitely have the gift of courage.” I’ve been blessed to discuss a bunch of my insecurities, fears, and frustrations with Daniel over this year, receiving grace and encouragement. Because of the ways he knows my fears, he knew how scary it was for me to bring up an issue with the team, and his acknowledgement and affirmation was so powerful in my journey with conflict.

While praying and reflecting on this past quarter with my SP mentor, a certain scripture came to mind. It’s been an important word to me for many years. “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7). Timidity has plagued my life for as long as I can remember. I used to get butterflies every day before school, public speaking is just about the scariest thing I can think of doing, and I hate talking on the phone to anyone that isn’t within my top 5 closest friends. But by God’s mercy, he has freed me from much of this fear. He has made me more secure in my identity as his beloved child and is in the process of doing a powerful work in me in regards to speaking with confidence and embracing the authority that he has given me. I am hopeful for the future, trusting God to help me throw off this cloak of timidity. I desire to fully embrace the power of his Spirit, to be defined by his perfect love, and to have a life marked by obedient discipline.

One way that I’ve been able to practice embracing the power of the Holy Spirit is through my continuing work with the children of my church. Unlike scary, condemning, and often judgmental adults, kids are fun, accepting, and curious… at least more often than not. I’ve been able to practice using my words and talk about the great love of Jesus. I still prefer to have a more supportive role in this ministry, but I am learning and practicing my speaking, teaching, and pastoring skills. More than anything, I’ve been blessed and encouraged by the acceptance and trust that is growing between me and the kids. If nothing else, working with the kids seems to be a training wheel of sorts for building up my confidence and authority as a teacher of the word.

Speaking of spiritual gifts, acquired skills, and natural abilities, I am very excited for the upcoming gifts project! I haven’t worked on the report yet, but at this point in my personal assessment, it is very clear that my gifts lie heavily within the love category. I’ve always kind of known this. I feel most comfortable in a behind the scenes, get-the-job-done, supportive kind of role. I especially like to share the love of Christ with the poor, the forgotten, and the oppressed, and demonstrate that love through visible and practical action. While I see the need and value of these gifts, I struggle to envision how these more “passive” gifts could be used in an “active” way that will powerfully proclaim the gospel and usher people into the kingdom. In addition to further developing my character, one of the main reasons that I haven’t rushed out into the mission field is because I’m not sure how to best utilize these love gifts. I’m hoping to engage more with the Lord regarding this issue and receive a more clear vision for his intended purposes in my work as a missionary.

I’m also excited to think about how I can possibly work to develop some of the word gifts. I specifically see some potential in the areas or teaching, pastoring, and exhortation. I’d like to see if there are certain ways that I can work on these areas and grow in confidence in using my words well (even though it scares me to say that). The Lord is good and powerful and I am confident in his desire to develop my gifts and in his power to do more than I can even imagine. I’m looking forward to start thinking about the future. While I am really enjoying life and ministry here in South L.A., I’ve always had the intention of moving on from here into new areas of ministry, wherever that may be. I am anxious to see what that next step looks like!

Hannah Mania!

My great friend Hannah came to town for a visit last week! It was great to see her and we had lots of fun exploring all things LA. It was her first time to LA, first time to California, first time to the Pacific! We did everything from the super touristy Beverly Hills star tour to sipping a beer at Dodgers Stadium, to chilling with a movie and a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Thanks for a fun time, Hannah! Love you!

A Very Happy Birthday!

This past Monday was my bday... the big 2-6! Or not so big I guess. Thanks so much for all of the bday wishes!!! I even love all of the random Facebook greetings - even if I've lost touch with many of the people giving them!

I have a pretty fortunate birth date - May 30. Almost always falls on Memorial day or the weekend surrounding it. This year... jackpot - Memorial day! All of my friends had the day off of work. My friend Tabor and I had a movie date Sunday night and saw Fast Five. It was totally Hollywood, but totally fun. Then Tabor spent the night and we woke up Monday morning and the girls made an extravagant breakfast feast which included 5 kinds of pancakes! We enjoyed a long and lazy breakfast with the girls and then a few of us packed up to head to the beach! We went to Dockweiler - the state beach directly west of the airport. We chose it for its proximity and were hoping it might be less crowded then some of the more popular/touristy spots. Despite the constant airplanes taking off overhead... it was perfect! We laid out and enjoyed the 70 degree sunny day... but still not quite hot enough to go in the water past our ankles! Then Kyle and I broke out the longboards and went for a few mile jaunt down the boardwalk. It was so fun to be on a board again! I had to leave a bit early to head back to town... I had to work and close the coffee shop that night! But so worth it for an amazing day outside with friends!

Grace and Tabor making pancakes!

The breakfast spread: potatoes, cream cheese eggs, 5 different kinds of pancakes, fresh fruit, juice and coffee... Yum!

Tabor and I getting some rays at the beach!

The next day I got a sweet card from my CO friend Hannah and the cutest random box of bday goodies from my CO friend Lauren! Thanks, girls! And looking forward to spending a whole week with Hannah when she comes to visit in less than 2 weeks! Yay!

And then... on Saturday our team hosted another one of our neighborhood bday bbqs. My house hosted it this time and we celebrated my birthday, Tabor's birthday, and 2 neighbor friends' bdays. We passed out little fliers around our street about it last week in the hopes that a bunch of our neighbors would show up. We didn't really get any random neighbors, but a bunch of the neighbors that we already have a relationship with came out for the party. And the coolest thing was that there were neighbors from each of the other teammate houses as well!

We rented a jumping castle for all of the kiddos, we grilled out chicken, burgers, and hot dogs, played a fun mix of latin/rock/bolivian/bollywood music, and then we broke out the karaoke! Our neighbors downstairs have a karaoke machine so we connected it outside with a big screen and had a blast! Some of the song selections included: I Will Survive, Livin' La Vida Loca, Oops I Did It Again, YMCA, etc, etc. So much fun!

And then... there was the cake! My roommate Grace slaved away at a HUGE chocolate peanut butter cup cake for hours! And it turned out AMAZING. Mmmm... delicious.

Thanks so much for continuing to lift up my team and our ministry up in prayer. The Lord is really starting to answer our prayers for more and deeper relationships with neighbors. We are so blessed!