It's hard to believe it's been nearly 2 years. It's crazy to look back over the last 2 years and marvel at all that has happened. But honestly, the last few weeks have become very emotional for me. And all of the emotion culminated today, turning me into a messy, funky, emotional blah. I don't think I've ever really been good at processing goodbyes. But I have been making an effort to be more reflective and self-aware, so maybe this transition out of the internship will be a little more healthy. Healthy or not, processing this stuff is hard. But I think the fact that it is hard shows that I have really invested in this program and this place. And I truly will be sad to leave.
Aside from the sadness, the enemy also seems to be attacking me with doubt. This transition will be launching me into a whole new season of creating community, exploring ministry, getting up close and personal with international poverty, being exposed to suffering and oppression, and learning to hang onto the Lord with all my strength. The transition has begun to bring up lots of questions. Am I really any different than I was when I joined the internship? Do I really have anything I can offer in ministry? What if the door to Bolivia closes? How will I cope without my tight community in LA? What is God doing??
I know it's normal to have some anxiety in the middle of many unknowns and transitions. And while I'm sure there is still plenty of room to grow, I can recognize ways that the Lord has given me victory over anxiety and peace that surpasses understanding. While it's easy to doubt and question what lasting work God has done in this season, I have to fight the doubt and cry out with confidence, "I am different! God, thank you for walking with me and calling me into risk and challenge that has deepened my faith and given me new skills. You are good and faithful and I have much reason to praise you!"
Please join me in praying for myself and my teammates as we wrap up the internship. I am the only one leaving South LA soon after the internship, but everyone will be going through changes as they transition out of this structured ministry season. Pray for sweet times together, good reflection over the internship, and a profound blessing from the Lord as we are commissioned into the world. Thanks, friends. :)
Thank you for posting! As I approach the one-year mark in my own journey, I find myself asking the questions as you are, and I know they will only increase as my time here starts counting down instead of up. Thank you for the reminder of God's holiness and faithfulness. Continue processing and posting as He leads you forward!
ReplyDeleteOh, Ali, you are different! It has been a blessing to me to see ever deeper into the depth and beauty of your heart as I've read your blogs over the last two years. I have been inspired by your compassion for the poor, your struggles with tough ideas and places, and your joy in God's provision for you and protection of you. Transition is never easy. But I know God will cradle you when the sadness comes, and I know He will lead you step by step every day. Sure love you.
ReplyDeleteLove your heart.
ReplyDelete