Final SP Reflection

It is unbelievable to me that this 2-year internship is over. It seems like just yesterday that I was packing up my life in Colorado to make the risky but faithful move to Los Angeles. Looking back, I am indeed a different person than I was just two years ago. What a blessing to reflect over the length of the internship and praise God for the tremendous ways that he has worked in my life by calling me into challenge, growth, and healing. I have learned more about making my identity secure in Christ, living fruitfully within community, taking risks and trusting God to walk with me through new challenges, and nurturing a vibrant spiritual life. My main purpose in joining the internship was to receive equipping for full time ministry abroad. I came in with the intention of exploring a call to Bolivia and I leave with a renewed sense of call and a plan to further pursue ministry options in Bolivia. While I definitely feel like tremendous growth has occurred in the last two years and one step closer to discovering my calling, I am guessing that there is still a long journey of discernment ahead. I long to be established and committed to ministry in Bolivia, but this still seems a ways away. Praise God for his faithfulness and his promise to walk with me on the journey.

One of my favorite things that God has done throughout the course of this internship is to redeem my experience of community. In past experiences, I have not always felt loved, affirmed, supported, cared for, understood, and challenged within communities of believers. There are so many ways that God called me into growth in this area. Within the internship team there are definitely people that I clicked with more easily, but at this point I can honestly say that all of them feel like family. The Lord showed me not only that it is possible, but that it is necessary and right that I seek to love and connect with all types of personalities within my community, whether it is easy or not. Some of these relationships only came after much time and intentionality. Others required that I lay down my pride and my comfort to be honest about my own brokenness in the relationship. Others required huge steps of forgiveness and reconciliation to continue in friendship. But I am brought to tears by thinking about all the Lord has done as I’ve taken tiny steps of faith in relationship. I can leave this community at peace with everyone and it is a huge testimony of the power of God. I am a new believer in the power of God to redeem all things.

                

Also out of this community life, God has given me new and fruitful habits. For the first time in my spiritual life, I walked with an accountability partner. What an incredible blessing Tabor has been for me in this season. She walked with me through some hard things, but was faithful in asking questions, spurring me to action, and praying for the Lord’s strength and healing in my life. She has been one of the most present and edifying friendships I have had. It was often through her strength and encouragement that I was able to overcome strongholds of sin and fear in my life. One of these fears and another way that I can see the Lord’s work in this season is in the area of conflict resolution. Before living in this community I nearly always avoided conflict like the plague. I would often suppress it as long as possible until bitterness polluted my heart and violent passive aggressive jabs would escape from my mouth. I can’t really think of many healthy examples of conflict resolution in my past. In this season, God has called me to face this fear and learn the invaluable skill of resolving conflict in a healthy and grace-filled manner. Not only was I blown away by God’s provision of courage in these situations, but I was absolutely blown away by the responses of grace and love from my teammates. I learned that it is possible to talk about hard things and still remain friends on the other side of it. For all these reasons, the SP internship has redeemed my experience of Christian community and given me new skills to take with me on the journey.

                

In addition to community-related skills, God has also developed some new personal skills in me. For one, I’ve had the chance to grow in using my words. Within the structure of the internship, I have given a devotional, a sermon, and told a story from scripture. While these were not easy tasks for me, it was cool to see the ways that God came through and gave me words and courage to overcome my fears. In addition to these examples, I got lots of practice using my words within the structures of Children’s Church and Adventures Ahead. While there were definitely some challenges for me in working with kids, I experienced God’s grace in that teaching kids felt much less intimidating. At times it was easy to think that the kids weren’t really learning all that much about God through me, but I was encouraged knowing that Jesus called the little children to himself and calls us all to enter the kingdom with the faith of a child. And I can definitely see that God grew me to be more comfortable working with kids. When I was first invited to work as a teacher at Adventures Ahead, I really had no idea what I was doing. Every day was a challenge and called me to rely on God and my community for support. Shortly after starting at Adventures Ahead, my ministry project group began working with the Friday night cell group kids. While it was nice to have more partnership through Dan and Josh, I was challenged to grow in healthy discipline of kids, learning that my discipline and leadership is more important than my friendship. It was also a great experience to vision, dream and pray for our kids. Right after the end of my first semester at Adventures Ahead, God invited me into teaching with the Children’s Church team. Through this experience, I was able to relate with kids of all ages, teach the bible through many different mediums, and continue to grow in healthy discipline and leadership. Finally, at the end of the summer, Lauren asked if I was interested in teaching at Adventures Ahead again. I wasn’t planning on committing to a teaching position again since the first semester was such a challenge, but again I felt God inviting me into a learning opportunity. My experience this second semester was very different from my first. I team-taught the older kids with Christal, a trained teacher and the Director of the Children’s Ministry. She was a great friend and support and taught me so much about making our kids feel safe and loved through discipline. By the end of my second year at Adventures Ahead I felt completely different. It was such a blessing to see my kids grow personally and academically and it was very sad to know that I wouldn’t be back the next year to teach.

                

This internship has also been a season of establishing healthy habits and rhythms. Two that I have focused on this year are self-reflection and rest. I began reflecting daily through the Daily Examen, making an effort to recognize the highlights and lowlights of my day. This discipline helped me to slow down and recognize what gives me life and where I need to work on inviting God into the challenges of each day. Tabor and I also committed to partnering in a weekly Sabbath and a quarterly retreat. It was hard to get into a rhythm of Sabbath with our busy schedules, but when we found the time to set aside a day, it was great to experiment and learn what is and isn’t restful. We spent many days exploring the city on our bikes and reading/reflecting in random parks around the city. We’ve fallen away from this practice a little bit as life has ramped up at the end of the internship, but it was helpful to play around with this practice and make habits for the future. The quarterly retreat was something completely new for me. We only made time for two of these retreats this year but both were good times of rest and reflection and prayer for one another. Through these new disciplines I really learned the value of partnership. The practice of Sabbath and quarterly retreats probably wouldn’t have happened without Tabor’s partnership! I pray that I can carry these new habits into the future.

                

Solidifying my identity in Christ has been a theme for me throughout the internship. Many challenging circumstances have taught me to rely on God as my provider, my strength, my companion, and my faithful Father. The last two years have been full of ups and downs, joys and challenges, but God has remained constant. He continues to challenge me to place my value in my identity as His beloved. Nothing I can do or say or accomplish will ever change that identity. Though the world may hurt me, though my close friends my let me down, though my family may forget me, though my life may never amount to much, though I may never find a husband, though I may never feel gifted in ministry, God created me and loves me. I continue to receive images from God about his promise of nearness. Though I cannot see the destination or the path ahead, God promises to walk with me on the journey. He has promised to guide me and answer my cry. While I’m sure I will forget this at points along the journey, I look forward to continuing to press into God and grow even more dependent on Him.

                

Becoming more aware of God has also made me more aware of myself. I have become much more self-aware in this season. I have learned about my gifts, my passions, my personality, and my weaknesses. It was somewhat expected, but eye-opening as well to realize that God has placed a huge mercy gift in me. Almost all of my action in ministry is triggered by mercy. Experiencing mercy for others leads me to care for those in need, organize people to give to others, give my time/energy/money to satisfy needs, serve behind the scenes to minister to others, and pray for God’s mercy to rain down on those around me. I have found that the needs of others often weigh heavy on my soul. God is teaching me to step down from the role of savior and give these burdens over to Christ. I am learning to recognize and believe that the greatest thing I can do for others is to point them towards Christ and trust Him to care for them. I am also learning to allow God to use my words to pastor and care for others.  I am learning that Christ has given me the authority and power to speak words of life with boldness. Though I often feel weak and inadequate, God is strong in my weakness. It has also been fun to learn some of my own ticks and personality traits. I often strain for control and really love to plan out my life as much as possible. I like to be self-sufficient and do things on my own. I ooze silliness from my pores and connect with people best through laughter. I love having fun with friends, but cannot thrive without regular times of solitude. I struggle with anxiety and hate feeling out of control or less than perfect. I recognize the brokenness in many of these traits and have seen the Devil use them for harm towards me and others. I am thankful to be a little more aware of myself in order to be better equipped to recognize the Devil’s schemes. I continue to pray for a spirit of humility and vulnerability as I learn more about myself and trip over my own brokenness. But praise God for the work of His hand in my life.

                

This internship has been about many things for me. I can see how God has transformed my life in a bunch of little ways, but one stands above the rest. I am so grateful for the ways that God is teaching me that I do not have to live in fear. Throughout the internship God has placed opportunities in my path that were new and scary and unexpected. I can look back to my old self and remember how I have been crippled by anxiety, how I have been too afraid to be myself and put myself out there for fear of failure or rejection. Last summer, God called me to break my vow with perfectionism. He has also given me a new paradigm of success in ministry. I was always afraid to take risks in ministry because I was afraid that I would fail and let God down. But I have learned that being faithful in ministry means taking risks and following God’s leading. Though I may fail or look silly, God is pleased when I obey Him and He will honor the risks that I take. While I still struggle at times with fear and anxiety, I am learning to embrace God’s peace. I really do feel like a different person than I was… a more confident and at peace me. 

                

I am excited for the future, but I have to say that I have cried more in the last couple of weeks than I have in the past several months. I am sad to leave this community and this place. I am sad because I have really given myself here. And praise God that He has given Himself to me in return. I am anxious about what I will find around the next bend. I find myself asking the questions, “Can I take my new self into the future? Will God honor the risks that I've taken and continue to walk with me? Will I ever find a community like this again? Will I be able to thrive and grow outside of this community?” Though my mind races and anxiety creeps into my heart, I have to remember that God is always faithful to fulfill His promises. God has good things for me in the next seasons in Colorado and Bolivia and beyond. He is yet good and I must praise Him.