Perseverance in the Desert

As the SP quarter comes to a close, I am feeling unmotivated, lazy, and direction-less. The better part of the last 3 months since moving to L.A. has been spent looking for a job. In a lot of ways it has felt like an extended time of transition. Like the internship hasn't really started since I have yet to find a day job. Being unemployed is tough... especially being in a new place, and one in which my main purpose is intended to be growing in faith and ministry. I'm struggling to find my place and my purpose here. There is a continual battle between what I should be doing, what I want to be doing, and whether or not I'm being sensitive to God's leading in the day-to-day. I often think being unemployed wouldn't be so bad if I just knew when the unemployment would end... a little light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it's 3 more months down the road, at least I would feel better equipped to spend my money and my time wisely.

Last night I dreamed about running the Bolder Boulder 10k (a really fun race in Colorado that I've enjoyed running several times). But the race didn't look as it usually looks. I was running along the course, but no one else was around, there was no one to set the pace or to follow down the route. I kept getting lost and questioning where I was supposed to turn to stay on the course. And each time I stopped to question I was getting more and more frustrated and stressed out because the delays were cutting into my precious finish time.

I'm not really sure why I dreamed about the Bolder Boulder, but it does seem to go along with the many emotions and anxieties that I've been feeling over the last couple of weeks. I'm beginning to lose focus and motivation in the race. It's difficult for me to stay the course because I'm not sure where I'm going or how I'm supposed to proceed. I've often felt like I'm aimlessly wandering and I'm beginning to panic about the complete lack of control that I seem to have over the situation.

A verse from the bible comes to mind:

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." (I Cor 9:24-27)

I really want to run the race well. To run with a purpose, focused on the eternal prize at the end. It seems like a challenge right now. I guess, despite the dryness and the failed expectations of what I thought this season would look like, I must press on towards the finish. Even though I don't feel all that motivated or excited about life right now, I must persevere. I must trust in God's plan and believe his promise to be faithful. Though at times it feels like I'm wandering through the desert, I rejoice knowing that the Lord is with me and shaping me for the future.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

Sorry for the rambling downer of a blog... it's just some of what's going on in my mind right now. Praying for God's grace to rain down anew tomorrow. Pushing on, learning to trust, and hoping to come out new and different.