SP Fall 2010 Quarter Reflection

We are all required to write a reflection on the first quarter of our internship with SP. I finally knocked it out today. It's kinda personal and might be a little repetitive from previous posts, but if you're interested in getting the summary, check it out. I encourage you to remind me of God's faithfulness and keep me accountable to growing in the coming months. Thanks!

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While this first quarter of the internship has felt like an extended period of transition, it has also been a season of preparation and foundation building. A spirit of learning and flexibility has been required to take in all of the new things that this season has included – such as moving to a new state, city, and neighborhood, getting to know and share intimacy within a brand new community, learning new bible study methods, learning to grow in unnatural ministry areas (teaching and evangelism), and moving into a season of seeking out God’s long term call on my life. While there have been many challenges, there have also been incredible joys and a growing understanding of the Lord’s constant presence and provision. He has begun to break ground on the new foundations he is establishing in my life, and I pray the next quarter will be a further realization of strong and deep foundations to support whatever God calls me to and to withstand the coming floods of life.

Probably the biggest trial in this first quarter has been unemployment. Being without work has caused me to question my value, my calling to this place, my future, and my overall purpose. It has been a roller coaster ride of discouragement, confusion, and short-lived glimpses of hope. The lack of routine has made it difficult to say motivated and productive. I’m one of those people that seem to be much more productive and effective when I am sufficiently busy and pulled in a number of directions, so looking back on my relatively empty and apparent-wasted days has been tough. But the extra time has been helpful in terms of practicing and establishing new spiritual disciplines. In addition, having a roommate that is also unemployed has been helpful in terms of keeping each other accountable and encouraging each other when all seems hopeless. Also, it’s been difficult to start this internship well since I seem to have the ongoing mindset of transition – almost as if the internship won’t really start until I am working a regular job. It seems to have been a season about learning to trust God completely. Nothing about my future is guaranteed and I am learning to put my confidence in the Lord’s care and concern for me. I have never been without, so it’s sad to see how easily I can become anxious about my future. Even now, I have savings built up and a community of believers that loves me and has committed to take care of me if things get tight. I hope to come out of this season of unemployment with a heightened level of perseverance and character as I know this will not be the only time of uncertainty in my life. It’s interesting that I am living this reality right alongside my parents who are also seeking the Lord’s plan anew for their own futures. Just goes to show that the process never really ends and this is the time when I should really focus on building up my character. While it has been full of questions and anxiety, I pray that this season will produce in me endurance and trust to carry with me for the rest of my life.

The other challenge for me, which has also been one of the blessings, has been learning to live well in community. I spent the last 8 months before moving to Los Angeles living in a studio apartment by myself. I was involved with my church and a great small group and had lots of good friends from all sorts of different social circles, but after all that stuff I could come home to my little studio – where everything was just how I left it and I had complete rule and control. My minor OCD tendencies loved having a space that was completely my own, an escape from everything that I couldn’t control in the rest of my life. Although I really liked this set-up, I was also well aware of the unhealthy habits that it might be building up in my personality – selfishness, control issues, escapism, and a lack of community accountability and mutual sharpening. With all of these characteristics beginning to materialize, I moved into community of strangers. It has been a challenge to set aside my own preferences, OCD tendencies, and issues of control. I want things in their place, relatively clean, and just as I left them or prefer them. Obviously, my unreasonable expectations have not been met, leaving me with the temptation to fall into attitudes of criticism and bitterness. To make matters worse, my avoidance method of conflict resolution only perpetuates the problem. I know this is an area of sin and struggle for me and I need to work on improving my attitude and resolving legitimate issues well. When I lived in Bolivia for 6 months in 2006, I struggled with similar community conflict issues within our team and did not embrace the opportunity to grow in this area. I want this experience in SP to be new and different. I have recently begun memorizing scripture to combat my critical spirit and have brought up a couple very small conflicts within my house. I’m praying for growth in this area and mercy from my roommates to overlook my immaturity and help me get better. I also acknowledge the necessity of community. Despite the challenges, I desperately need community to encourage, support, challenge, and sharpen me. I am very weak on my own and cannot survive without a loving community around me. I believe community is where God’s purposes are lived out and I want to learn more about the heart of God and how to love God and my neighbor well, all of which can only be accomplished if I learn to get over my attitudes of selfishness and timidity.

In regards to practicing healthy, holy habits in this season, I feel like I have been somewhat successful. I have been exercising several times a week with teammates and church friends, eating reasonably healthy within our household, establishing a good rhythm with communal spiritual disciplines, and holding to a somewhat regular routine in my own spiritual practices. The community factor has really helped to establish good habits – physical, financial, and spiritual. It has been a huge blessing to be surrounded by people that lovingly challenge me in my own spiritual walk and live as an example in their own disciplines. Establishing a firm and vibrant personal spirituality has always been a challenge for me. It has continued to be a challenge in this season, but by learning to experiment with new and different prayer and meditation methods, I am starting to see growth in my own relationship with Christ – especially in the way of making space to listen and hear from God, but there is still plenty of room to grow. I’m also excited to have begun an accountability partner relationship with one of my teammates. It’s still very new to me, but I definitely see the potential for healthy challenge and growth. I look forward to the next quarter of this internship with anticipation for continued growth in the ways of teaching and owning my personal spiritual journey.

I’m really excited for the upcoming ministry project next quarter. While I have no idea what the ministry project will entail, I am looking forward to meeting more people in the neighborhood and learning more about the characteristics and challenges of the neighborhood. I expect that having an outreach agenda will help me to be proactive about meeting people and starting up conversations. Meeting neighbors has been difficult so far. We have done pretty well within our own apartment building, but haven’t ventured much further than that. We keep talking about going door to door to meet more neighbors, but haven’t made it out yet. It’s pretty intimidating to think about – especially since there are so many gates on our street and everyone seems to keep to themselves. So, I’m excited to meet more people in the area and maybe by building a rapport with some of the neighbors, I’ll gain more confidence in talking with other neighbors. I am also looking forward to learning more about the personality and challenges of our neighborhood. I definitely don’t yet feel like I belong in this neighborhood, but I’m hoping as I build more relationships and hear more of people’s stories that I’ll start to feel more deeply connected. I desire to have a better understanding of my neighbors and gain an ownership and sense of pride for my new neighborhood. Other aspects of the upcoming ministry project make me nervous – such as reaching out to new people, sharing my story, evangelizing, and teaching. All of these aspects will definitely serve to stretch me in all kinds of ways. I’m praying for an extra measure of God’s grace as I seek to gain more confidence in some of these extroverted areas. As we move closer to the ministry project, I suspect I’ll have to be more intentional about limiting my unnecessary internet time, getting to bed earlier, and establishing a good and steady routine. Even if I’m still unemployed during the ministry project, I know it will be important for me to set up some structure to my days. I need to focus especially on prioritizing and scheduling regular personal and communal times with the Lord. For all of these reasons, I look onto the next quarter with anticipation, excited about what the Lord will do and how I might come out different on the other side.

This sums up my first quarter with SP in South Los Angeles. Looking past the various trials, it’s cool to remember all the ways that the Lord was proved faithful and powerful. He has provided a great community of friends, a great place to live, and small mercies to get me through each day. After an especially discouraging week a couple of weeks ago, God provided a whole pile of small encouragements that really served to lift my spirits. And when I had to tackle the dreaded devotional this quarter, the Lord came through in the nick of time to give me His words and the assurance that he was right there with me. I am overwhelmed by the goodness of my God. Looking back on this quarter I can remember and rest assured that the Lord provides, that He is always present with me, and that He can do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine, according to His power. To Him be the glory!