I've been back in the States now for almost a month. I am living in Colorado with my parents and I find myself in yet another season of transition. While I am happy to be near my family and to spend quality time with my niece and nephew, there are many things that are hard. Again, I find myself without a close community, without a job, without a rhythm. There are so many unknowns and so little structure, that I struggle to make the most of each day. But once again I am called to be patient, rely on the Lord for my strength, and trust in his provision and timing. Another thing that makes this transition difficult is the fact that I will most likely only be here for about a year!
After much prayer and processing, I have decided to apply to be on staff with the Word Made Flesh team in Bolivia! While no ministry is perfect, I am encouraged that Word Made Flesh seems to be a good fit - both community-wise and mission-wise. I love their heart for the poor. I love their commitment to simplicity and incarnation. I love their posture of learning with and from the locals. And I love their heart for the Lord and their continual posture of prayer.
So, I hope to work part time, get plugged into my church in Denver, and spend quality time with my family during this year. But most of all, I hope to prepare for a long term commitment to ministry in Bolivia. I still feel like I'm in transition... but soon I will begin the process of returning to Bolivia. What does this process look like? Well, I will fill out an application. Then I will interview with WMF staff in Bolivia and the States. Then I may take a trip to Omaha, NE to get commissioned. And then, I will work on raising funds for my ministry. I don't really know how long all of this will take, but I am estimating that it might be about 10 months to a year until head back to Bolivia.
I hope to keep you updated throughout the application, fundraising, and preparation process right here on this blog. I would really treasure your prayers during this time! Thank you for the commitment you have made to journey with me through this process! I am so grateful.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Sights and Sounds
The ministry in Bolivia works with women and families affected by prostitution. When deciding to work with this particular ministry, I did not feel a specific call to this demographic, but felt like God was inviting me to learn with him. During my 9 week internship, they slowly eased us into this new world. We spent about a month educating ourselves on the realities of prostitution and sex trafficking. Even though the people in the articles and videos were not personal friends, I felt a huge emotional burden as I began to step into their world. The realities of the sex trade are startling and sickening. The reality of a person selling their body, whether by "choice" or force, dozens of times a night is a dark and tragic existence. I found myself incredibly overwhelmed and angered by the situation. And my biggest struggle was a temptation to harbor hate and bitterness towards the "johns" and the brothel owners and crumble under the paralysis of hopelessness.
Towards the end of my time with the ministry, I was able to join a few of the staff members for their weekly visit to the brothels. I went into the night feeling scared and nervous about what kind of things my eyes might see and what kind of emotions might well up in my heart. Thankfully, we begin the night in prayer, giving the Lord our fears and weaknesses and asking for his guidance and protection. The whole night I basically stayed back and solely focused on observing and taking in the surroundings. We visited about three brothels that night. We spent our energies walking through each of the brothels, looking for available girls, introducing ourselves and our center, and getting to know a little of their story.
The brothels were dark and smokey. There were large propane space heaters to keep the buildings warm in the harsh El Alto climate. Dozens of doors lined the hallways, usually on two separate floors. The women stood by their doors waiting for perspective clients. The rooms were tiny - just enough room for a twin bed and a side table, usually lit up with an eerie red light. The women were very diverse in age and appearance. The ages ranged from 15 or so up to mid-50s perhaps. Some of the women were dressed very traditionally, others had more modern sexy clothing, and still others wore absolutely nothing. Before the men started to arrive the women leisurely got themselves ready for their work ahead. Many changed into sexy outfits, many applied thick make-up, others seemed to spend their free time getting high or drunk, and several socialized with their friends and neighbors in the brothel. One image that sticks in my head is of a young woman counting the number of condoms that she had for the evening - there must have been about 20 or 30. In the middle of the brothels there was often a bar and a small convenience store, selling the likes of condoms, lubricators, etc. Around 7pm the men began to flood in. The music got pumped up and the lights turned down. I was overwhelmed by the number of men wondering through the narrow hallways.
As I squeezed past the hundreds of men and dodged their staring eyes, my emotions were running high. I felt grossed out and judgmental of the men. But I also felt sized up and like the men were wondering if we too were offering services. Mostly, the men and the girls were just curious about what we were doing there. The biggest fear I had and the main reason I didn't want to make eye contact with the men was because I was terrified that I would run into someone I knew. But I was surprised and happy that God really seemed to give me an incredible love and compassion for the women. They are each lovely and unique and made in the image of God. They often have husbands and children. They have many challenges, but also joy and so much beauty. I truly believe that if given the choice, each of the women would choose to leave their life in the brothels. But sometimes it's just easier to stay. These women need to know that they are loved and valued by God their Creator. That they are meant for so much more. They need to know that there are other options. There is hope for a better future. I am so grateful to be a part of this important ministry.
Towards the end of my time with the ministry, I was able to join a few of the staff members for their weekly visit to the brothels. I went into the night feeling scared and nervous about what kind of things my eyes might see and what kind of emotions might well up in my heart. Thankfully, we begin the night in prayer, giving the Lord our fears and weaknesses and asking for his guidance and protection. The whole night I basically stayed back and solely focused on observing and taking in the surroundings. We visited about three brothels that night. We spent our energies walking through each of the brothels, looking for available girls, introducing ourselves and our center, and getting to know a little of their story.
The brothels were dark and smokey. There were large propane space heaters to keep the buildings warm in the harsh El Alto climate. Dozens of doors lined the hallways, usually on two separate floors. The women stood by their doors waiting for perspective clients. The rooms were tiny - just enough room for a twin bed and a side table, usually lit up with an eerie red light. The women were very diverse in age and appearance. The ages ranged from 15 or so up to mid-50s perhaps. Some of the women were dressed very traditionally, others had more modern sexy clothing, and still others wore absolutely nothing. Before the men started to arrive the women leisurely got themselves ready for their work ahead. Many changed into sexy outfits, many applied thick make-up, others seemed to spend their free time getting high or drunk, and several socialized with their friends and neighbors in the brothel. One image that sticks in my head is of a young woman counting the number of condoms that she had for the evening - there must have been about 20 or 30. In the middle of the brothels there was often a bar and a small convenience store, selling the likes of condoms, lubricators, etc. Around 7pm the men began to flood in. The music got pumped up and the lights turned down. I was overwhelmed by the number of men wondering through the narrow hallways.
As I squeezed past the hundreds of men and dodged their staring eyes, my emotions were running high. I felt grossed out and judgmental of the men. But I also felt sized up and like the men were wondering if we too were offering services. Mostly, the men and the girls were just curious about what we were doing there. The biggest fear I had and the main reason I didn't want to make eye contact with the men was because I was terrified that I would run into someone I knew. But I was surprised and happy that God really seemed to give me an incredible love and compassion for the women. They are each lovely and unique and made in the image of God. They often have husbands and children. They have many challenges, but also joy and so much beauty. I truly believe that if given the choice, each of the women would choose to leave their life in the brothels. But sometimes it's just easier to stay. These women need to know that they are loved and valued by God their Creator. That they are meant for so much more. They need to know that there are other options. There is hope for a better future. I am so grateful to be a part of this important ministry.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Community
Community was a recurring theme for me in Bolivia. I flew to Bolivia after two intense years in LA, sharing life on so many levels with my Servant Partners internship team. Leaving my community in LA, being the only one of the 12 to do so, and starting life in a foreign land was HARD. For the first several weeks, I experienced intense feelings loneliness, isolation, and sadness. Over time I realized that I was grieving the separation from my friends and community in LA.
Going to Bolivia, I was expecting to receive a clear yes or no in regards to my fit with the organization of Word Made Flesh. And one of my biggest hopes in terms of a ministry to which I could commit my life was an intimate and tight community. Honestly, I was expecting it to closely resemble my community life in LA. My first few weeks in Bolivia left me feeling disappointed and discouraged. The American missionaries seemed to be pretty disconnected - socially, spiritually, and especially geographically. And there seemed to be little shared life among the American and Bolivian staff outside of official work hours. I started to believe that this just wasn't the best fit for me.
But thankfully, time brought clarity, change, and peace of mind. I learned to voices my concerns, needs, and sadness to a couple of my closest friends in the ministry. They responded with love, prayer, and tangible action. My vulnerability allowed me to receive love and healing from my community. From that day on, my sense of community and intimacy with my teammates felt completely different. Also, I was able to process some of my hopes, ideals, and disappointments with some of the veteran staff. I was challenged to consider the importance of sustainability and convicted by the ways that I was judging other peoples' lifestyle adjustments and compromises. I was also deeply encouraged and grateful for the ways that the Lord himself really cared for me in my season of sadness and need. I feel like this season of darkness really helped solidify my trust in God the Father to care for me in amazing ways. I can be sure that whatever community I am surrounded by will NOT be perfect, but I can also be sure that God is able and willing to care for me completely, making up for whatever is lacking in my physical community.
About halfway through my time with the ministry in Bolivia we had a community event. We spent a whole day at a beautiful park and shared life together. We spent about an hour discussing community - what it looks like, what it means to us, how we are/aren't experiencing loving community within the ministry. At first, NO ONE talked, especially the Bolivian staff. But eventually most everyone shared and I was encouraged by the honesty and vulnerability. It was obvious that there were some major holes in our community, but I could also sense an authentic desire to grow and learn to care for one another in a more comprehensive manner. It will take lots of time and intentionality, but I am encouraged and hopeful that all of us (Bolivian and American) can grow and mature as a community.
And even though the WMF community isn't perfect, I am confident that the Lord will provide in incredible ways. Even during my short time in Bolivia, I was encouraged to find community outside of the WMF staff. I feel like the Lord is reassuring me that he would care for me in extravagant and unexpected ways if I were to commit my life to the ministry in Bolivia and that he would provide a loving and diverse community for me.
Going to Bolivia, I was expecting to receive a clear yes or no in regards to my fit with the organization of Word Made Flesh. And one of my biggest hopes in terms of a ministry to which I could commit my life was an intimate and tight community. Honestly, I was expecting it to closely resemble my community life in LA. My first few weeks in Bolivia left me feeling disappointed and discouraged. The American missionaries seemed to be pretty disconnected - socially, spiritually, and especially geographically. And there seemed to be little shared life among the American and Bolivian staff outside of official work hours. I started to believe that this just wasn't the best fit for me.
But thankfully, time brought clarity, change, and peace of mind. I learned to voices my concerns, needs, and sadness to a couple of my closest friends in the ministry. They responded with love, prayer, and tangible action. My vulnerability allowed me to receive love and healing from my community. From that day on, my sense of community and intimacy with my teammates felt completely different. Also, I was able to process some of my hopes, ideals, and disappointments with some of the veteran staff. I was challenged to consider the importance of sustainability and convicted by the ways that I was judging other peoples' lifestyle adjustments and compromises. I was also deeply encouraged and grateful for the ways that the Lord himself really cared for me in my season of sadness and need. I feel like this season of darkness really helped solidify my trust in God the Father to care for me in amazing ways. I can be sure that whatever community I am surrounded by will NOT be perfect, but I can also be sure that God is able and willing to care for me completely, making up for whatever is lacking in my physical community.
About halfway through my time with the ministry in Bolivia we had a community event. We spent a whole day at a beautiful park and shared life together. We spent about an hour discussing community - what it looks like, what it means to us, how we are/aren't experiencing loving community within the ministry. At first, NO ONE talked, especially the Bolivian staff. But eventually most everyone shared and I was encouraged by the honesty and vulnerability. It was obvious that there were some major holes in our community, but I could also sense an authentic desire to grow and learn to care for one another in a more comprehensive manner. It will take lots of time and intentionality, but I am encouraged and hopeful that all of us (Bolivian and American) can grow and mature as a community.
And even though the WMF community isn't perfect, I am confident that the Lord will provide in incredible ways. Even during my short time in Bolivia, I was encouraged to find community outside of the WMF staff. I feel like the Lord is reassuring me that he would care for me in extravagant and unexpected ways if I were to commit my life to the ministry in Bolivia and that he would provide a loving and diverse community for me.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
A weekend in Sorata
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| Our hostel |
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| Mount Illampu and the town of Sorata |
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| Alicia and Me walking to the cave! |
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| So dark and hot in this cave! |
I´m here! ...been here for 4 weeks actually!
Yes, in case you were wondering, I did arrive safely to La Paz. I´ve been here now for nearly 4 weeks. Thankfully I have been safe and healthy and enjoying my time here. But my days have been really full, with little internet time, so I´m sorry for the delay!
I am living with a really nice family in El Alto. They have three grown kids and 4 grandkids. We live near one of the airport property fences and have amazing views of the mountains, especially Huayna Potosi (see photo). It has been cold here, especially at night, but it seems to be warming up a bit. I have 7 thick blankets on my bed and always sleep in wool socks, hat, and gloves. But the days are usually sunny and the mountains are beautiful.
I have been quite busy with the ministry here. I really like the WMF team - they are super nice and fun. Last week the other intern, Ariel, and I gave a presentation about family violence to about 100 family members at a Compassion site. It was pretty intimidating to speak in front of so many people, especially in Spanish, about a topic that I only know about through books. But, praise God, it went really well. The families seemed attentive (except for one or two sleeping moms, haha) and participated in our activities. I hope the talk was informative and helpful for them. The hardest thing was that it was obvious that several of the women were experiencing domestic violence, but have either accepted it as normal or feel helpless. Family violence is a big issue in Bolivia, but I am hopeful because women finally seem to be claiming their voice and realizing their rights for freedom and equality.
We have also begun learning more about the women in our demographic of ministry. While I have known the realities of prostitution and human trafficking for a while, it has been super intense to be learning so much so quickly, especially being right next to the red light district in El Alto. It has been really hard for me emotionally and spiritually, but I am learning to hold tight to the hope we have in Christ and his promise to redeem our broken world. The hardest thing has been realizing that even if dozens of women choose to leave the sex industry, more women will continue to fill their places if we do not address the root issue, which is the tremendous demand for the industry. Mashismo is not dead and it has almost become accepted here for men to buy prostitutes. It has become acceptable to buy and sell people. Pray with me for the redemption of the lives of the women involved in prostitution and for the men that patronize the brothels.
I have also really enjoyed reconnecting with old friends. I am on my way now to play soccer with my old shoeshiner friends! Hopefully I can update you more often! Thanks for your prayers and support!
I am living with a really nice family in El Alto. They have three grown kids and 4 grandkids. We live near one of the airport property fences and have amazing views of the mountains, especially Huayna Potosi (see photo). It has been cold here, especially at night, but it seems to be warming up a bit. I have 7 thick blankets on my bed and always sleep in wool socks, hat, and gloves. But the days are usually sunny and the mountains are beautiful.
I have been quite busy with the ministry here. I really like the WMF team - they are super nice and fun. Last week the other intern, Ariel, and I gave a presentation about family violence to about 100 family members at a Compassion site. It was pretty intimidating to speak in front of so many people, especially in Spanish, about a topic that I only know about through books. But, praise God, it went really well. The families seemed attentive (except for one or two sleeping moms, haha) and participated in our activities. I hope the talk was informative and helpful for them. The hardest thing was that it was obvious that several of the women were experiencing domestic violence, but have either accepted it as normal or feel helpless. Family violence is a big issue in Bolivia, but I am hopeful because women finally seem to be claiming their voice and realizing their rights for freedom and equality.
We have also begun learning more about the women in our demographic of ministry. While I have known the realities of prostitution and human trafficking for a while, it has been super intense to be learning so much so quickly, especially being right next to the red light district in El Alto. It has been really hard for me emotionally and spiritually, but I am learning to hold tight to the hope we have in Christ and his promise to redeem our broken world. The hardest thing has been realizing that even if dozens of women choose to leave the sex industry, more women will continue to fill their places if we do not address the root issue, which is the tremendous demand for the industry. Mashismo is not dead and it has almost become accepted here for men to buy prostitutes. It has become acceptable to buy and sell people. Pray with me for the redemption of the lives of the women involved in prostitution and for the men that patronize the brothels.
I have also really enjoyed reconnecting with old friends. I am on my way now to play soccer with my old shoeshiner friends! Hopefully I can update you more often! Thanks for your prayers and support!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Fundraising Update
Hi Friends!
I just wanted to update you all on my fundraising progress for my upcoming commitment in Bolivia. My departure date is set for July 19, just over 2 weeks from now. It was exciting to hear today that a family in El Alto, Bolivia has invited me into their home for the duration of my stay! It still feels surreal that I will be back in Bolivia in a matter of weeks. It still feels like there is much to do before my departure. And there is still much to do in the way of fundraising. But within all of this I am doing my best to hang onto hope and trust the Lord to provide for all of my needs, even the seemingly insignificant ones.
As far as fundraising goes... I am up to about 25% of my total goal. It's easy to look at this number and get a little discouraged. But what do I have to fear? God has always proven to be faithful and has provided for my needs in good times and bad. Perhaps this lack of funds is a continuation of the lessons God brought up for me over and over again during the internship in LA. There was definitely a theme throughout the internship of giving up control to Him and learning not to rely on my own skills, talents, and privilege to get by in life. It's a tough lesson. I've never been without, never experienced great need. And this seems to be part of the problem... my track record in life makes it easy to be tempted to believe that all the abundance in my life is my own doing. This can result in an attitude of selfishness and an individualistic outlook on finances.
I pray that the Lord will rid me of this brokenness. It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm hoping that my faith will grow little by little until lacking a few thousand dollars won't seem like a big deal at all because I know that God will care for me in one way or another and is capable of great miracles, beyond my imagination.
I have also begun to pray about whether or not God is asking me to provide a significant chunk of the finances for this trip. Even after a couple years of unemployment/underemployment, I am holding onto a few thousand dollars in my savings account. It feels good to have this safety net. It seems smart to have something to fall back on. But can it be called faith if I rely so much on my own riches? I don't think that God calls all of us to live with $0 in our bank accounts, but I am convicted to re-examine and re-prioritize my finances as I continue to pursue a call to the poorest of the poor. Please pray with me for clarity and humility in this season.
If you would like to partner with me financially to help me reach my goal of $3800, your gifts would be a great blessing to me. You can contact me for more information or see the previous post for instructions on how to donate. Thank you so much, friends. I love you and cherish you greatly.
I just wanted to update you all on my fundraising progress for my upcoming commitment in Bolivia. My departure date is set for July 19, just over 2 weeks from now. It was exciting to hear today that a family in El Alto, Bolivia has invited me into their home for the duration of my stay! It still feels surreal that I will be back in Bolivia in a matter of weeks. It still feels like there is much to do before my departure. And there is still much to do in the way of fundraising. But within all of this I am doing my best to hang onto hope and trust the Lord to provide for all of my needs, even the seemingly insignificant ones.
As far as fundraising goes... I am up to about 25% of my total goal. It's easy to look at this number and get a little discouraged. But what do I have to fear? God has always proven to be faithful and has provided for my needs in good times and bad. Perhaps this lack of funds is a continuation of the lessons God brought up for me over and over again during the internship in LA. There was definitely a theme throughout the internship of giving up control to Him and learning not to rely on my own skills, talents, and privilege to get by in life. It's a tough lesson. I've never been without, never experienced great need. And this seems to be part of the problem... my track record in life makes it easy to be tempted to believe that all the abundance in my life is my own doing. This can result in an attitude of selfishness and an individualistic outlook on finances.
I pray that the Lord will rid me of this brokenness. It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm hoping that my faith will grow little by little until lacking a few thousand dollars won't seem like a big deal at all because I know that God will care for me in one way or another and is capable of great miracles, beyond my imagination.
I have also begun to pray about whether or not God is asking me to provide a significant chunk of the finances for this trip. Even after a couple years of unemployment/underemployment, I am holding onto a few thousand dollars in my savings account. It feels good to have this safety net. It seems smart to have something to fall back on. But can it be called faith if I rely so much on my own riches? I don't think that God calls all of us to live with $0 in our bank accounts, but I am convicted to re-examine and re-prioritize my finances as I continue to pursue a call to the poorest of the poor. Please pray with me for clarity and humility in this season.
If you would like to partner with me financially to help me reach my goal of $3800, your gifts would be a great blessing to me. You can contact me for more information or see the previous post for instructions on how to donate. Thank you so much, friends. I love you and cherish you greatly.
Update Letter - June 2012
On Sunday, my class and I were commissioned out of the internship and into the rest of life! I can't believe it's been almost 2 years and it's all over now! It has been an absolutely incredible experience. Some of the highlights of the internship have been experiencing great community on the team, learning to overcome fear and step out in fath, naming and practicing my gifts and talents, growing in teaching and authority, and becoming more secure in my identity as God's beloved daughter. Praise the Lord! It's hard to summarize this amazing 2-year experience, but I have posted a much more detailed version on my blog if you're interested in the specifics. You can find it here!
And you might be asking yourself, what's next for Ali? Well, in a couple of weeks I will be moving back to Colorado with my parents. And then a couple of weeks later I will be heading back to Bolivia! I am going to spend a couple of months with one of the ministries that I visited during my exploratory trip last November - Word Made Flesh. I will be living in a poor area of El Alto, volunteering at the Word Made Flesh drop-in center for women in prostitution, potentially volunteering with other ministries among the poor, and growing in discipleship alongside the Word Made Flesh staff team. This will be an extended exploration of the Word Made Flesh ministry in Bolivia and a time to discern a longer commitment. I will be leaving mid-July and have much to prepare before boarding the plane. Among the many preparations, I would love to form a team of prayer warriors for this journey. Please email me if you would like to commit to praying for me. I will also need to raise money to cover my expenses, which I anticipate to be around $3,000. If you are able to give financially to this trip, please follow the below instructions:
1 - Give via Credit Card: Go to www.wordmadeflesh.org and click on the "Donate" link in the bottom left corner of the page. In the "Use my Donation For" box, enter "Alison Fraze".
2 - Give via Check, by sending to:
Word Made Flesh
P.O. BOX 70
Omaha, NE 68101
Write "Alison Fraze" in the memo line of the check or include a separate piece of paper with my name on it.
I don't know what the future holds, but I'm excited to continue down the path of discernment and pursue God's will for my life. I am very grateful for your partnership throughout my time in Los Angeles and into the future. Blessings!
- Good time with my family before heading to Bolivia
- Logistics of the move to Colorado and Bolivia
- Peace and faith as I move into a new season
- Financial provision for my time in Bolivia
- Continued security in my identity as Christ's beloved
And you might be asking yourself, what's next for Ali? Well, in a couple of weeks I will be moving back to Colorado with my parents. And then a couple of weeks later I will be heading back to Bolivia! I am going to spend a couple of months with one of the ministries that I visited during my exploratory trip last November - Word Made Flesh. I will be living in a poor area of El Alto, volunteering at the Word Made Flesh drop-in center for women in prostitution, potentially volunteering with other ministries among the poor, and growing in discipleship alongside the Word Made Flesh staff team. This will be an extended exploration of the Word Made Flesh ministry in Bolivia and a time to discern a longer commitment. I will be leaving mid-July and have much to prepare before boarding the plane. Among the many preparations, I would love to form a team of prayer warriors for this journey. Please email me if you would like to commit to praying for me. I will also need to raise money to cover my expenses, which I anticipate to be around $3,000. If you are able to give financially to this trip, please follow the below instructions:
1 - Give via Credit Card: Go to www.wordmadeflesh.org and click on the "Donate" link in the bottom left corner of the page. In the "Use my Donation For" box, enter "Alison Fraze".
2 - Give via Check, by sending to:
Word Made Flesh
P.O. BOX 70
Omaha, NE 68101
Write "Alison Fraze" in the memo line of the check or include a separate piece of paper with my name on it.
I don't know what the future holds, but I'm excited to continue down the path of discernment and pursue God's will for my life. I am very grateful for your partnership throughout my time in Los Angeles and into the future. Blessings!
Prayer Requests:
- Good time of fun and goodbyes here in Los Angeles- Good time with my family before heading to Bolivia
- Logistics of the move to Colorado and Bolivia
- Peace and faith as I move into a new season
- Financial provision for my time in Bolivia
- Continued security in my identity as Christ's beloved
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Final SP Reflection
It is unbelievable to me that this 2-year internship is
over. It seems like just yesterday that I was packing up my life in Colorado to
make the risky but faithful move to Los Angeles. Looking back, I am indeed a different
person than I was just two years ago. What a blessing to reflect over the
length of the internship and praise God for the tremendous ways that he has
worked in my life by calling me into challenge, growth, and healing. I have learned
more about making my identity secure in Christ, living fruitfully within
community, taking risks and trusting God to walk with me through new
challenges, and nurturing a vibrant spiritual life. My main purpose in joining
the internship was to receive equipping for full time ministry abroad. I came
in with the intention of exploring a call to Bolivia and I leave with a renewed
sense of call and a plan to further pursue ministry options in Bolivia. While I
definitely feel like tremendous growth has occurred in the last two years and
one step closer to discovering my calling, I am guessing that there is still a
long journey of discernment ahead. I long to be established and committed to
ministry in Bolivia, but this still seems a ways away. Praise God for his
faithfulness and his promise to walk with me on the journey.
One of my favorite things that God has done throughout the
course of this internship is to redeem my experience of community. In past
experiences, I have not always felt loved, affirmed, supported, cared for,
understood, and challenged within communities of believers. There are so many
ways that God called me into growth in this area. Within the internship team
there are definitely people that I clicked with more easily, but at this point
I can honestly say that all of them feel like family. The Lord showed me not
only that it is possible, but that it is necessary and right that I seek to
love and connect with all types of personalities within my community, whether
it is easy or not. Some of these relationships only came after much time and
intentionality. Others required that I lay down my pride and my comfort to be
honest about my own brokenness in the relationship. Others required huge steps
of forgiveness and reconciliation to continue in friendship. But I am brought
to tears by thinking about all the Lord has done as I’ve taken tiny steps of
faith in relationship. I can leave this community at peace with everyone and it
is a huge testimony of the power of God. I am a new believer in the power of
God to redeem all things.
Also
out of this community life, God has given me new and fruitful habits. For the
first time in my spiritual life, I walked with an accountability partner. What
an incredible blessing Tabor has been for me in this season. She walked with me
through some hard things, but was faithful in asking questions, spurring me to
action, and praying for the Lord’s strength and healing in my life. She has
been one of the most present and edifying friendships I have had. It was often
through her strength and encouragement that I was able to overcome strongholds
of sin and fear in my life. One of these fears and another way that I can see
the Lord’s work in this season is in the area of conflict resolution. Before
living in this community I nearly always avoided conflict like the plague. I
would often suppress it as long as possible until bitterness polluted my heart
and violent passive aggressive jabs would escape from my mouth. I can’t really
think of many healthy examples of conflict resolution in my past. In this
season, God has called me to face this fear and learn the invaluable skill of
resolving conflict in a healthy and grace-filled manner. Not only was I blown
away by God’s provision of courage in these situations, but I was absolutely
blown away by the responses of grace and love from my teammates. I learned that
it is possible to talk about hard things and still remain friends on the other
side of it. For all these reasons, the SP internship has redeemed my experience
of Christian community and given me new skills to take with me on the journey.
In
addition to community-related skills, God has also developed some new personal
skills in me. For one, I’ve had the chance to grow in using my words. Within the
structure of the internship, I have given a devotional, a sermon, and told a
story from scripture. While these were not easy tasks for me, it was cool to
see the ways that God came through and gave me words and courage to overcome my
fears. In addition to these examples, I got lots of practice using my words
within the structures of Children’s Church and Adventures Ahead. While there
were definitely some challenges for me in working with kids, I experienced God’s
grace in that teaching kids felt much less intimidating. At times it was easy
to think that the kids weren’t really learning all that much about God through
me, but I was encouraged knowing that Jesus called the little children to
himself and calls us all to enter the kingdom with the faith of a child. And I
can definitely see that God grew me to be more comfortable working with kids.
When I was first invited to work as a teacher at Adventures Ahead, I really had
no idea what I was doing. Every day was a challenge and called me to rely on
God and my community for support. Shortly after starting at Adventures Ahead,
my ministry project group began working with the Friday night cell group kids. While
it was nice to have more partnership through Dan and Josh, I was challenged to
grow in healthy discipline of kids, learning that my discipline and leadership
is more important than my friendship. It was also a great experience to vision,
dream and pray for our kids. Right after the end of my first semester at
Adventures Ahead, God invited me into teaching with the Children’s Church team.
Through this experience, I was able to relate with kids of all ages, teach the
bible through many different mediums, and continue to grow in healthy
discipline and leadership. Finally, at the end of the summer, Lauren asked if I
was interested in teaching at Adventures Ahead again. I wasn’t planning on
committing to a teaching position again since the first semester was such a
challenge, but again I felt God inviting me into a learning opportunity. My
experience this second semester was very different from my first. I team-taught
the older kids with Christal, a trained teacher and the Director of the
Children’s Ministry. She was a great friend and support and taught me so much
about making our kids feel safe and loved through discipline. By the end of my
second year at Adventures Ahead I felt completely different. It was such a
blessing to see my kids grow personally and academically and it was very sad to
know that I wouldn’t be back the next year to teach.
This
internship has also been a season of establishing healthy habits and rhythms.
Two that I have focused on this year are self-reflection and rest. I began
reflecting daily through the Daily Examen, making an effort to recognize the
highlights and lowlights of my day. This discipline helped me to slow down and
recognize what gives me life and where I need to work on inviting God into the
challenges of each day. Tabor and I also committed to partnering in a weekly
Sabbath and a quarterly retreat. It was hard to get into a rhythm of Sabbath with
our busy schedules, but when we found the time to set aside a day, it was great
to experiment and learn what is and isn’t restful. We spent many days exploring
the city on our bikes and reading/reflecting in random parks around the city.
We’ve fallen away from this practice a little bit as life has ramped up at the
end of the internship, but it was helpful to play around with this practice and
make habits for the future. The quarterly retreat was something completely new
for me. We only made time for two of these retreats this year but both were
good times of rest and reflection and prayer for one another. Through these new
disciplines I really learned the value of partnership. The practice of Sabbath
and quarterly retreats probably wouldn’t have happened without Tabor’s
partnership! I pray that I can carry these new habits into the future.
Solidifying
my identity in Christ has been a theme for me throughout the internship. Many
challenging circumstances have taught me to rely on God as my provider, my strength,
my companion, and my faithful Father. The last two years have been full of ups
and downs, joys and challenges, but God has remained constant. He continues to
challenge me to place my value in my identity as His beloved. Nothing I can do
or say or accomplish will ever change that identity. Though the world may hurt
me, though my close friends my let me down, though my family may forget me,
though my life may never amount to much, though I may never find a husband,
though I may never feel gifted in ministry, God created me and loves me. I
continue to receive images from God about his promise of nearness. Though I
cannot see the destination or the path ahead, God promises to walk with me on
the journey. He has promised to guide me and answer my cry. While I’m sure I
will forget this at points along the journey, I look forward to continuing to
press into God and grow even more dependent on Him.
Becoming
more aware of God has also made me more aware of myself. I have become much
more self-aware in this season. I have learned about my gifts, my passions, my
personality, and my weaknesses. It was somewhat expected, but eye-opening as
well to realize that God has placed a huge mercy gift in me. Almost all of my
action in ministry is triggered by mercy. Experiencing mercy for others leads
me to care for those in need, organize people to give to others, give my
time/energy/money to satisfy needs, serve behind the scenes to minister to
others, and pray for God’s mercy to rain down on those around me. I have found
that the needs of others often weigh heavy on my soul. God is teaching me to
step down from the role of savior and give these burdens over to Christ. I am
learning to recognize and believe that the greatest thing I can do for others
is to point them towards Christ and trust Him to care for them. I am also
learning to allow God to use my words to pastor and care for others. I am learning that Christ has given me the
authority and power to speak words of life with boldness. Though I often feel
weak and inadequate, God is strong in my weakness. It has also been fun to
learn some of my own ticks and personality traits. I often strain for control
and really love to plan out my life as much as possible. I like to be
self-sufficient and do things on my own. I ooze silliness from my pores and
connect with people best through laughter. I love having fun with friends, but
cannot thrive without regular times of solitude. I struggle with anxiety and
hate feeling out of control or less than perfect. I recognize the brokenness in
many of these traits and have seen the Devil use them for harm towards me and
others. I am thankful to be a little more aware of myself in order to be better
equipped to recognize the Devil’s schemes. I continue to pray for a spirit of
humility and vulnerability as I learn more about myself and trip over my own
brokenness. But praise God for the work of His hand in my life.
This
internship has been about many things for me. I can see how God has transformed
my life in a bunch of little ways, but one stands above the rest. I am so
grateful for the ways that God is teaching me that I do not have to live in
fear. Throughout the internship God has placed opportunities in my path that
were new and scary and unexpected. I can look back to my old self and remember
how I have been crippled by anxiety, how I have been too afraid to be myself
and put myself out there for fear of failure or rejection. Last summer, God
called me to break my vow with perfectionism. He has also given me a new
paradigm of success in ministry. I was always afraid to take risks in ministry
because I was afraid that I would fail and let God down. But I have learned
that being faithful in ministry means taking risks and following God’s leading.
Though I may fail or look silly, God is pleased when I obey Him and He will
honor the risks that I take. While I still struggle at times with fear and
anxiety, I am learning to embrace God’s peace. I really do feel like a
different person than I was… a more confident and at peace me.
I am excited
for the future, but I have to say that I have cried more in the last couple of
weeks than I have in the past several months. I am sad to leave this community
and this place. I am sad because I have really given myself here. And praise
God that He has given Himself to me in return. I am anxious about what I will
find around the next bend. I find myself asking the questions, “Can I take my
new self into the future? Will God honor the risks that I've taken and continue
to walk with me? Will I ever find a community like this again? Will I be able
to thrive and grow outside of this community?” Though my mind races and anxiety
creeps into my heart, I have to remember that God is always faithful to fulfill
His promises. God has good things for me in the next seasons in Colorado and
Bolivia and beyond. He is yet good and I must praise Him.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Dreams
I rarely remember my dreams these days. Usually when I do dream, they seem to be a random mess of unconscious thoughts. But every once in a while my dreams seem very significant. It was a dream in fact that convinced me to accept the offer to come out to Los Angeles for the Servant Partners internship. On these rare occasions, it seems like God gets into my subconscious and gives me a surprising insight. Last night seemed to be one of these significant dreams.
The dream went something like this. I was at a water park about to go down a water slide. I don't remember being there with anyone in particular. At the top of the slide there was a bit of chaos and four of us jumped into the slide in quick succession. Some crazy disaster occurred inside the slide and a young man sustained a major injury, severing his leg in two. When I realized what happened, I immediately felt responsible. "Why did I cause the chaos at the start of the slide that led to this tragic accident??" The next thing I know I'm pleading with the man to go to the hospital to get his leg fixed. The man says he can't go to the hospital because he has no money. I am overcome with emotion and beg him to go! It feels like his life is at stake and it doesn't seem fair that money should keep him from living! Then I burst into a random cafe and plead with the customers sitting inside. "Please help! This man has just severed his leg in two! He has to go to the hospital, but he doesn't have any money! Please give what you can to help him!" Everyone just stares at me blankly. I become irate. I can't believe that no one will help. I can't believe that I am completely powerless to help this man! I collapse and weep with sadness.
I quickly wake up within the weeping. The dream still seems so real and I continue to wail for the fate of this man. When I realize it was all a dream, I cry out to God. What was that about?? Why am I so upset about this dream? I felt like God was asking me to give up this man to him. No matter what I try to do, I cannot save this man. God was asking me to remove myself from the position of savior. He was asking me to trust Him with this man's life. He also asked me why I didn't point this man to Him rather than run around frantically, void of hope. He was asking me to trust Him within dark and heavy circumstances. He was asking me to remember His love for the poor, the hurting, the fatherless, His promise to redeem the brokenness of the world.
It was a good reminder. I will encounter much darkness in this world, especially along the ministry road that I am going down. I will feel hopeless and powerless in the face of suffering. But will this powerlessness change my perception of God? As God continues to bring up for me: despite the circumstances of this world, God is yet good.
The dream went something like this. I was at a water park about to go down a water slide. I don't remember being there with anyone in particular. At the top of the slide there was a bit of chaos and four of us jumped into the slide in quick succession. Some crazy disaster occurred inside the slide and a young man sustained a major injury, severing his leg in two. When I realized what happened, I immediately felt responsible. "Why did I cause the chaos at the start of the slide that led to this tragic accident??" The next thing I know I'm pleading with the man to go to the hospital to get his leg fixed. The man says he can't go to the hospital because he has no money. I am overcome with emotion and beg him to go! It feels like his life is at stake and it doesn't seem fair that money should keep him from living! Then I burst into a random cafe and plead with the customers sitting inside. "Please help! This man has just severed his leg in two! He has to go to the hospital, but he doesn't have any money! Please give what you can to help him!" Everyone just stares at me blankly. I become irate. I can't believe that no one will help. I can't believe that I am completely powerless to help this man! I collapse and weep with sadness.
I quickly wake up within the weeping. The dream still seems so real and I continue to wail for the fate of this man. When I realize it was all a dream, I cry out to God. What was that about?? Why am I so upset about this dream? I felt like God was asking me to give up this man to him. No matter what I try to do, I cannot save this man. God was asking me to remove myself from the position of savior. He was asking me to trust Him with this man's life. He also asked me why I didn't point this man to Him rather than run around frantically, void of hope. He was asking me to trust Him within dark and heavy circumstances. He was asking me to remember His love for the poor, the hurting, the fatherless, His promise to redeem the brokenness of the world.
It was a good reminder. I will encounter much darkness in this world, especially along the ministry road that I am going down. I will feel hopeless and powerless in the face of suffering. But will this powerlessness change my perception of God? As God continues to bring up for me: despite the circumstances of this world, God is yet good.
Friday, June 1, 2012
¡Gracias!
I just finished a book called, ¡Gracias! It's a book by Henri Nouwen, comprised of daily journal entries during a 6-month exploratory trip to Bolivia and Peru. Nouwen is a Catholic priest exploring his call to know and love the poor and a potential vocational call to minister in Latin America. It's full of great nuggets of wisdom. Here are just a few that stood out to me. Enjoy!
"I was helped by the insight that I had to move directly and aggressively in the direction I want to go. Waiting to be shown the best people to meet, the best places to visit, the best events to become part of, only feeds my depression. I am sure that I will find my direction in life when I search actively, move around with open eyes and ears, ask questions, and - in the midst of all that - pray constantly to discover God's will. The Lord searches for me, I am sure, but only when I search for him too will I encounter him and will his word for me become clear. Every time I slip into another depression, I notice that I have given up the struggle to find God and have fallen back into an attitude of spiteful waiting." (Nouwen, 138)
"Wealth takes away the sharp edges of our moral sensitivities and allows a comfortable confusion about sin and virtue. The difference between rich and poor is not that the rich sin more than the poor, but that the rich find it easier to call sin a virtue. When the poor sin, they call it sin; when they see holiness, they identify it as such. This intuitive clarity is often absent from the wealthy, and that absence easily leads to the atrophy of the moral sense." (Nouwen, 160)
"Humility is the real Christian virtue. It means staying close to the ground (humus), to people, to everyday life, to what is happening with all its down-to-earthness. It is the virtue that opens our eyes for the presence of God on the earth and allows us to live grateful lives. The poor themselves are the first to help us recognize true humility and gratitude." (Nouwen, 162)
"In the spirituality of the past there was little place for conflict; but anyone who really becomes involved in the daily lives and struggles of the poor cannot avoid moments and periods of conflict. Experiences of abandonment, despair, and deep anguish can enter into the spiritual life itself. It can even lead to a struggle and confrontation with God, who does not seem to make his presence known. Thus a spirituality marked by the struggle for liberation can lead to an experience of deep darkness, which will require true humility. It is this humility that enables us to continue in the struggle, even when we see little progress, to be faithful even when we experience only darkness, to stay with the people even when we ourselves feel abandoned." (Nouwen, 173)
In response to Hebrews 5:7-9...
"Jesus learned obedience from what he suffered. This means that the pains and struggles of which Jesus became part made him listen more perfectly to God. In and through his sufferings, he came to know God and could respond to his call. Maybe there are no better words than these to summarize the meaning of the option for the poor. Entering into the suffering of the poor is the way to become obedient, that is, a listener to God. Suffering accepted and shared in love breaks down our selfish defenses and sets us free to accept God'g guidance." (Nouwen, 183)
"What I claim as a right, my friends in Bolivia and Peru received as a gift; what is obvious to me was a joyful surprise to them; what I take from granted, they celebrate in thanksgiving; what for me goes by unnoticed became for them a new occasion to say thanks. And slowly I learned. I learned what I must have forgotten somewhere in my busy, well-planned, and very "useful" life. I learned that everything that is, is freely given by the God of love. All is grace. Light and water, shelter and food, work and free time, children, parents and grandparents, birth and death - it is all given to us. Why? So that we can say gracias, thanks; thanks to God, thanks to each other, thanks to all and everyone." (Nouwen, 187)
"I was helped by the insight that I had to move directly and aggressively in the direction I want to go. Waiting to be shown the best people to meet, the best places to visit, the best events to become part of, only feeds my depression. I am sure that I will find my direction in life when I search actively, move around with open eyes and ears, ask questions, and - in the midst of all that - pray constantly to discover God's will. The Lord searches for me, I am sure, but only when I search for him too will I encounter him and will his word for me become clear. Every time I slip into another depression, I notice that I have given up the struggle to find God and have fallen back into an attitude of spiteful waiting." (Nouwen, 138)
"Wealth takes away the sharp edges of our moral sensitivities and allows a comfortable confusion about sin and virtue. The difference between rich and poor is not that the rich sin more than the poor, but that the rich find it easier to call sin a virtue. When the poor sin, they call it sin; when they see holiness, they identify it as such. This intuitive clarity is often absent from the wealthy, and that absence easily leads to the atrophy of the moral sense." (Nouwen, 160)
"Humility is the real Christian virtue. It means staying close to the ground (humus), to people, to everyday life, to what is happening with all its down-to-earthness. It is the virtue that opens our eyes for the presence of God on the earth and allows us to live grateful lives. The poor themselves are the first to help us recognize true humility and gratitude." (Nouwen, 162)
"In the spirituality of the past there was little place for conflict; but anyone who really becomes involved in the daily lives and struggles of the poor cannot avoid moments and periods of conflict. Experiences of abandonment, despair, and deep anguish can enter into the spiritual life itself. It can even lead to a struggle and confrontation with God, who does not seem to make his presence known. Thus a spirituality marked by the struggle for liberation can lead to an experience of deep darkness, which will require true humility. It is this humility that enables us to continue in the struggle, even when we see little progress, to be faithful even when we experience only darkness, to stay with the people even when we ourselves feel abandoned." (Nouwen, 173)
In response to Hebrews 5:7-9...
"Jesus learned obedience from what he suffered. This means that the pains and struggles of which Jesus became part made him listen more perfectly to God. In and through his sufferings, he came to know God and could respond to his call. Maybe there are no better words than these to summarize the meaning of the option for the poor. Entering into the suffering of the poor is the way to become obedient, that is, a listener to God. Suffering accepted and shared in love breaks down our selfish defenses and sets us free to accept God'g guidance." (Nouwen, 183)
"What I claim as a right, my friends in Bolivia and Peru received as a gift; what is obvious to me was a joyful surprise to them; what I take from granted, they celebrate in thanksgiving; what for me goes by unnoticed became for them a new occasion to say thanks. And slowly I learned. I learned what I must have forgotten somewhere in my busy, well-planned, and very "useful" life. I learned that everything that is, is freely given by the God of love. All is grace. Light and water, shelter and food, work and free time, children, parents and grandparents, birth and death - it is all given to us. Why? So that we can say gracias, thanks; thanks to God, thanks to each other, thanks to all and everyone." (Nouwen, 187)
Friday, May 25, 2012
10 Days
It's hard to believe it's been nearly 2 years. It's crazy to look back over the last 2 years and marvel at all that has happened. But honestly, the last few weeks have become very emotional for me. And all of the emotion culminated today, turning me into a messy, funky, emotional blah. I don't think I've ever really been good at processing goodbyes. But I have been making an effort to be more reflective and self-aware, so maybe this transition out of the internship will be a little more healthy. Healthy or not, processing this stuff is hard. But I think the fact that it is hard shows that I have really invested in this program and this place. And I truly will be sad to leave.
Aside from the sadness, the enemy also seems to be attacking me with doubt. This transition will be launching me into a whole new season of creating community, exploring ministry, getting up close and personal with international poverty, being exposed to suffering and oppression, and learning to hang onto the Lord with all my strength. The transition has begun to bring up lots of questions. Am I really any different than I was when I joined the internship? Do I really have anything I can offer in ministry? What if the door to Bolivia closes? How will I cope without my tight community in LA? What is God doing??
I know it's normal to have some anxiety in the middle of many unknowns and transitions. And while I'm sure there is still plenty of room to grow, I can recognize ways that the Lord has given me victory over anxiety and peace that surpasses understanding. While it's easy to doubt and question what lasting work God has done in this season, I have to fight the doubt and cry out with confidence, "I am different! God, thank you for walking with me and calling me into risk and challenge that has deepened my faith and given me new skills. You are good and faithful and I have much reason to praise you!"
Please join me in praying for myself and my teammates as we wrap up the internship. I am the only one leaving South LA soon after the internship, but everyone will be going through changes as they transition out of this structured ministry season. Pray for sweet times together, good reflection over the internship, and a profound blessing from the Lord as we are commissioned into the world. Thanks, friends. :)
Monday, May 21, 2012
Suffering
We studied the book of Habakkuk as our guide through the theme of suffering. I'm not sure that I've ever read the book of Habakkuk before this weekend. And if I had read it on my own I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have gotten much out of it. Kevin did an incredible job of contextualizing this prophetic book within the time and events in which it was written. The first four verses are very clearly a desperate call for help. Things have gotten pretty bad for Israel and Habakkuk has been a faithful servant of the Lord, crying out for God's intervention during a violent and chaotic time. He seems exasperated by the situation and frustrated that the Lord doesn't seem to hear his cries for help or care enough to intercede. Habakkuk is calling for help and he desperately wants something to happen NOW.
Well Habakkuk finally receives an answer from the Lord in the next several verses, but I'm willing to bet that it's not exactly the news that Habakkuk has hoping for. God basically says, "What I'm about to tell you, you aren't even going to believe. Look, you think it's bad now? It's about to get A LOT worse. Soon I will raise up your enemies. The Babylonians are going to rise up in power and completely ravage Israel and dominate the entire region." The Babylonians were the worst kind of pagans around at this time. They did not fear God Almighty, but relied on their own strength as their god. God was about to respond the Habakkuk's cries, but he was going to do something completely unexpected and unthinkable.
While the news of God's plan is surprising, Habakkuk does not seem to lose all hope. He seems to be secure in his identity as God's chosen servant and trusts that the Lord will indeed preserve his people. Habakkuk recognizes that God is good and powerful and completely sovereign, but he understandably responds with some questions for God. "God, you are HOLY, so how can you use such a detestable nation for your good purpose? I know Israel has her issues, but the Babylonians are an utterly godless nation that seeks nothing but destruction and unfair gain. But if this is your plan, I trust that you are good and I will wait in anticipation to see what you will do." Not only did Habakkuk believe the Lord, but he chose to accept God's plan as a purification for his people.
God responds by telling Habakkuk to write his revelation in stone for it is sure to happen. You can absolutely bank on it, and it won't delay long. And as for the detestable nation that God will use to carry out his plan... they will be judged. While it may look like they will be unstoppable, the Lord will quickly bring them down and judge them for every single atrocity that they commit. You have no need to seek vengeance on your enemies, for God is the judge of all. The righteous need only live by faith in their good, faithful and holy Creator.
The book of Habakkuk ends with a prayer. It's incredible to see the change in Habakkuk's heart. The prophet is transformed from an impatient, frustrated, hopeless man into a humble, patient, trusting follower of God Almighty. He is able to look upon the eminent destruction of his nation with peace and trust knowing that God ultimately intends for the good and prosperity of his people. God is in his holy temple so who are we to accuse him or question his intentions?
The new testament is full of words to the church of its call to suffer. Just as Jesus suffered, we are called to embrace the suffering of Christ. Jesus also tells his disciples that they will be hated and persecuted as believers. We cannot be caught off guard when we encounter suffering in our lives. We must arm ourselves with the promises of God that all will stand before Him in judgement and those that trust in Him will share in his inheritance. Not only are we to arm ourselves for the suffering that will surely come, but we should rejoice in this suffering, knowing that our souls are entrusted to our faithful Creator. We can be sure that our times of greatest anguish will also be our times of greatest consolation. God promises that as we draw close to Him, He will draw close to us (James 4:8). There is some growth and intimacy that just isn't possible except through suffering.
I'm not saying that times of great suffering will be easy by any means, but we can trust that God is in control and that He is doing more than we can presently see or imagine. No matter the wretchedness of this life, we can be sure that God is yet good. Hallelujah!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Called to Pilgrimage
Over the last year, the Lord has continued to bring up an image of pilgrimage. It first came to me more than a year ago through a Psalm, "Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage" (Ps. 84:5). I was striving to know the Lord's purpose for my life, begging for direction and vision for the future. Instead, he reminded me that it's not about the destination. It is on the journey that we experience intimacy with our Father. As we move ahead one step at a time, we learn the voice of God and slowly grow in trusting his guidance. Sometimes I get frustrated with the Lord's pattern of revealing his will one tiny step at a time. But this slow, steady pace has helped produce perseverance and an unwavering trust in where God is taking me.
At our final Servant Partners prayer retreat last weekend, God continued the theme. Each of us had an extended period of prayer within a small group of teammates where we dove deeper into an issue related to discerning our future... or at least the next tiny step of it. When it came to my turn, I prefaced our prayer time by explaining that I am beginning to become anxious about the future. The Lord has given me this strong call to Bolivia, but knowing that this call could actually become a reality in the next year or so has started to make me nervous. It causes me to question my call. Is this call really from God? What are my fears, insecurities, and motivations related to this call? Am I really attuned to God's voice in this? How will I know when to go? Am I sufficiently prepared and equipped to go? I asked for any promises, affirmations, or confirmations the Lord might have for me. His response was clear and encouraging.
We opened up the prayer time with a space for listening. During this time, God brought a picture to my mind. I was walking along a tough mountain trail. I felt very alone, scared, unsure of where I was headed. I sensed that he was calling me to lighten my load as I walked up the hard trail. He asked me to strip away everything that I didn't need. When I asked him what those things were, I sensed that he was calling me to let go of expectations, fears, insecurities, and all the ways I want to be ultra-prepared for the journey ahead. Then I began to cry out to God. "But the journey will be hard! Who will lead me? Who will help me up the hill? Who will keep me warm?" And the Lord calmed my anxiety by responding, "I will be your tent, I will keep you warm, I will lead you." God confirmed his promises to me through those I was praying with. Tabor sensed a strong partnership with God and a call to remember all of the work "we've" done together. Also hearing the promise, "You are more ready than you think." Liz also received many encouraging scriptures - Matthew 6:25-34 (Remembering the lavish gifts of God and an invitation to experience his abundance), Psalm 23:6 ("goodness, love, and mercy will 'chase you down' for the rest of your life"), Lamentations 3:21-23 ("Your mercies are new every morning, great is your faithfulness"), and even my favorite verse from Psalm 84 (referenced above). I was spurred on to actively remember the Lord's faithfulness in my life and memorialize those stories through an Ebenezer of sorts. I haven't decided what that will be yet, but I'm encouraged to create a visual reminder of God's faithful presence in my life.
I am so encouraged. I love how God is teaching me to connect with him through images and visual reminders. I am a very visual person and love anything tangible... and I love that God knows that and generously provides. :) Thanks for praying with me through this process. It's hard to believe that we only have 3 months left in the Servant Partners internship! I'll hopefully be blogging more often as I sort through where the Lord might be leading me next. Stay tuned!
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